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  • 15 September 2020
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Dispatches From Dystopia

~ "What man by worrying can add one cubit to his span of years?"

Dispatches From Dystopia

Author Archives: David

October Lust

20 Thursday Oct 2016

Posted by David in Love and stuff, seduction

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

love, lovers

This is one of those Virginia tricks, when the leaves have almost turned,  but it is down right hot outside. 

Again?  Yes. And the sweat collects in our hair and when I kiss the back of your neck, I taste the salt and smell the sweat and I wonder why we still have our clothes on.

Here?  Here.  And my hands slide up your skirt to pull your panties down. And place them on the rail, a simple rag to the untrained eye.  I feel your naked buttocks, then stroking your cunny with my middle finger til the little dew drops betray your lust. 

I rub against you, but frottage is not my game as the dusk gives enough concealment to unbutton my jeans, then slide my hard wetness in. I pull your hips to me and  thrust, while you frig your clit and grind back harder.

And after I come, I pull out while you grip the rail, your legs too weak, just yet, to walk, as the semen drips out on the deck.

Coming Back

18 Tuesday Oct 2016

Posted by David in Health Issues, Sport

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Attitude Shift, food, swimming

I’m good for only so much despair, before the fun opportunities present themselves and prevail.

The return from the brink began yesterday. I looked in the fridge and said to my self, “Self, we’re fixing dinner!” I got out all the stuff I was planning on using, the onion, garlic, tomato, mushrooms, tuna steak, and left over linguine. I started saute’-ing like a mad man. First the onion and garlic,  a carrot, a tomato, tbyme, basil, and any other herb that struck my fancy. I cut the tuna steak in chunks, added that. After a while the mushrooms entered the skillet, then the cooked linguini. After some simmering, I added a jar of marinated and quartered artichoke hearts, marinade and all. 

Meanwhile, the crab cake, I purchased for Mrs CorC? went in the oven. She loves crab. Alas, I am allergic to it. Her treat. I enjoy watching her eat it.  Finally, the asparagus I purchased were prepped and steamed. She came home to dinner ready to eat. For dessert there was a slice of chocolate babka with mint chocolate chip ice cream for her, a dish of butter pecan ice cream for me.

It gets better. Today I got a swim in. Aware as I am of a tender shoulder, I did a mere 1700 meters. After the swim, a shower with sandalwood soap and a shave. The sandalwood soap takes away the mundane dimension of the YMCA’s burgeoning population of middle-aged fat guys and senior citizen semi-cripples (myself included).  

Funny how very little, simple things can rejuvenate my sense of vitality.

Loneliness

16 Sunday Oct 2016

Posted by David in Love and stuff, Sexual Identity

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

loneliness

I would say I’m starting my day in a fog, but that’s not quite the word. We can feel the Autumn early in the morning. There’s no color change yet with the trees. There is a bit of a draft at my ankles as I sit and write.

I feel an overwhelming loneliness almost every waking minute and I think everything I do during my waking hours is done with the intention of keeping that loneliness at bay. 

I feel shame for my sexual desires, yet those desires are for nothing more than a sexual dimension to my marriage. 

As I write, my wife sleeps. She sleeps a lot. 

Another day in this Hell. 

Musical Prompt: Ella Fitzgerald Sings The Rogers & Hart Songbook

12 Wednesday Oct 2016

Posted by David in Love and stuff, seduction

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

coming out, Ella Fitzgerald, love, Politics, Rogers & Hart

I read where this is National Coming Out Day. I’m an LGBT-friendly heterosexual male, who also happens to be, more or less, conservative politically. I moved beyond being conflicted by the Trump candidacy weeks ago to down right repulsed and ashamed. Good luck Hillary. Remember that people are going to vote for you who don’t like you or your politics one  iota but simply want the country led by an adult.

Back to the music and coming out. Lorenz Hart was a gay man, also an alcoholic. Being a drunk, I therefore meet a goodly number of lesbians and gays in the rooms of recovery. Bottom line, they are damn good people. 

Rogers & Hart.  These are wonderful songs. I listen to them and I want to slow dance, cheek to cheek (that’s an Irving Berlin song reference) with my wife, the woman who loves me and whom I love.  Alas she doesn’t dance. Nor do I. These songs are just too romantic to go to waste. If no dancing, just maybe some necking on the couch before we adjourn to bed. Is that asking too much?

Sloth? Acedia? Laziness? Lethargy?

10 Monday Oct 2016

Posted by David in Classical Music, Depression, loneliness

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Emotions, J.S. Bach, Mental state

  • Sometimes I wish the first time I wake up in the morning would take hold. That I would and could stay awake for sixteen or eighteen hours straight, as if I were 22 or 45 or even 60 again. But no matter, since I’m not and will never be again.
  • Sloth and Acedia refer to a particular type of laziness, a spiritual torpor; disinterested, apathetic about developing a closer relationship with God in all Persons of  The Most Holy Trinity. Every Catholic experiences this at some point. It is part of our humanity, just as our libido is.
  • Then Laziness asks for the floor. Sometimes I’ve just done too much. And some kind of reward, money, a good laugh, a nice dinner,  weight loss, a faster time in the pool, or passionate love-making doesn’t appear. I’m disappointed and disaffected. I ask why I even bothered to make the effort, to even care.
  • Then the Lethargy sets in. I’m there now. I just want a little magic. A good nap with an attitude transfusion would fit the bill. I received from Amazon, via UPS, a CD of Glenn Could performing Bach’s Goldberg Variations, BWV988.  This will more than do for magic.

To No One In Particular

02 Sunday Oct 2016

Posted by David in Sexual Identity

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Sexual Self-expression

You might think I’m crazy, but what you won’t know is what’s going on inside my head.  That I could love you, , that I could write you a poem, or just write you off.

I would be perfectly happy to wake up naked beside you, with my body pressing against your naked ass and my fingers probing your wet little cunt.

I want to smell your perfume, so that every time afterwards when I smell it I think of you. I want to always remember how your soft lips feel on my ear lobe.

I don’t ever want a yesterday with you. Or a tomorrow. Just a today, just this minute, just right now.

Cousins A Postscript.

22 Thursday Sep 2016

Posted by David in Uncategorized

≈ 4 Comments

Annette was the proud owner of a metallic silver aluminum Christmas Tree with the color wheel and the Christmas ornaments in one color, red, I think. Part of her coolness.

Cousins, Part Two.

16 Friday Sep 2016

Posted by David in alcoholism, Health Issues, Sexual Identity

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

homosexuality, memoir, Obesity

When our story left off, Annette had just come out as a Lesbian to me and my wife. This revelation would fall under the heading of Confirming Our Suspicions.  Nevertheless, it was a huge deal to come out in the mid to late Eighties.  We came to understand that her sexual orientation was just one aspect of who Annette was a person. What Annette never had was an enduring relationship. She had attractions, dalliances, affairs.  We never met her lovers.

She was a loving and caring aunt, but a realistic, observant and feisty one.  She rapidly discerned that her surrogate parenting job entailed damage control around her brother’s marital and familial escapades.  She once confided in me that Leroy had an eye for “White Trash”.  He would get married, with all the accompanying optimism.  Then the drinking and the late hours at the Safeway would erode the foundation of family life.  Finally  the once-blissful bride would depart, to “find herself”, leaving Annette with the job of taking care of her niece, then a nephew, whilst Leroy was at the store. It actually worked out fairly well, because Annette had both a sense of  responsibility but also fun. There was the pool at Aunt Lois’s for summer days.  In its quirky, near dysfunctional way, the children received nurturing and parenting.

Meanwhile, Aunt Ruby’s health was declining, in a predictable descent; diabetes, impaired circulation, nerve damage, gangrene, amputation, and heart disease.  Ruby passed, leaving Annette and Leroy in the bedlam.

The niece and the nephew, children of different mothers, grew up. Annette’s health spiraled downward, so that the house she inherited from Aunt Ruby fell into disrepair. An opossum moved into the attic through an open vent. My brother named him “Maurice The Marsupial”. Her obesity had rendered her disabled. She moved in with Aunt Lois.  Things were good at first. Aunt and niece would go to farmers’ markets, and cook for the family gatherings that occurred at the holidays.

Annette lived her lesbian life vicariously, through the internet, The Advocate, and lesbian-themed DVD’s. It was no kind of life for anybody to live. Soon the wheelchair was a necessity and the wheelchair ramp became part of the architecture of the postwar bungalow Lois and Annette called home.

Annette became Lois’s reason to live.  She took her to dialysis, the numerous other doctors’ appointments, and in January 2006, to the Medical College Hospital, where Annette lapsed into a coma, and died of renal failure.  There is a reason why they call it Morbid Obesity.

Leroy was the last of the family, Uncle Jim, Aunt Ruby, Annette were gone. About a decade before, Safeway pulled out of the Richmond market. Leroy then went back to school, and became a computer nerd, earning a good enough living to afford his own house with a swimming pool, private school for his son, and Austin Nichols Wild Turkey Whiskey.

His alcoholism captured him, isolating him from the family.  He surfaced for the principal family events, which were now funerals.  My brother, through a circuitous system, involving Magic Jack, would contact him of the passings,  Aunt Lois in May 2011, my Dad in August 2011, Cousin  Bailey in January 2012. He and his son would show up at the funerals.

One day, in March 2012, my siblings, my elder son, and another cousin  were cleaning out the house where Pop, Grandma, Aunt Lois, and finally, Annette had all lived, preparing it to sell and settle Lois’s estate. We were interrupted by a call from Leroy. He had fallen and cracked a vertebrae in his neck.  He was in the hospital.  The neck fracture came from bones weakened by metastatic cancer of the lung.  Leroy was still smoking the Marlboro Reds in the box, just like he did in High School. His son was joined by his daughter,  now an Army wife, who had flown in from Germany. His ex-wives came back as he now lay in hospice.  Within two weeks of that phone call, Leroy was dead.

After Leroy died, we learned his biological father had not died as we were told. Ruby had divorced him. The family was a family of secrets.  There were emotions, numbed by food, turned raw by alcohol.  Were Leroy and Annette ever happy? Probably not.

Cousins On Hold, Random Thoughts

14 Wednesday Sep 2016

Posted by David in Uncategorized

≈ 4 Comments

The story about my cousins will have to wait. Here’s the deal. Sitting is uncomfortable for me right now. I’m good for a little while, but the back pain can be a distraction.

There are a number of you bloggers I follow. I love hearing from you and about your lives. I know, from my own experience, how hard it can be to share your lives. What you share is invaluable.

Cousins, Part One.

09 Friday Sep 2016

Posted by David in cooking, Health Issues, Sexual Identity

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

food, homosexuality, memoir, World War Two

They were born on 21 August ten years apart, he in 1949, she in 1959. We’ll call him Leroy, her Annette. Daddy’s brother, Uncle Jim, married their mother Ruby all of sudden.  One week, he was single, living with my grandparents, the next week he was married. He was in his early thirties, a WW II veteran, a CPA.  Ruby, they said, was a widow with a child, Leroy.  That is what we were told. Being children, not investigative reporters, that was a perfectly good explanation.  I remember playing at their house in Highland Park, a North Richmond neighborhood.  Then they moved to Lakeside, in a house near my grandparents with a gate allowing passage between the two houses.

Uncle Jim was hard of hearing. He was in the Navy during The War.  My mother told me he was based in Australia. He was a sonar man.  That was all I knew of his war service until my brother told me he was awarded the Purple Heart when he burned himself with his soldering iron while his submarine was being depth-charged.  It is fairly easy to conclude his hearing loss was attributable, in part,  to the depth-charging.   Imagine, for a while, being in a long steel cylinder, under 60+ feet of water, and people on the surface are dropping explosives on or near that cylinder with the intention of killing you..  Do you think you might be a little crazy after that experience?

So, all of a sudden Bachelor Uncle marries Aunt Ruby and adopts Leroy.  They live near Pop, Grandma and my Aunt Lois, who still lives with her parents.  We visit my grandparents nearly every week.  So we see them a lot. Sometime after 1957, they get a dog, which they name Sputnik, after the Russian satellite.  Leroy likes Elvis and The Mickey Mouse Club. Life rolls along, and they next thing we know Aunt Ruby has a baby. Everybody is surprised. I mean she had a weight problem, but hiding, not talking about a pregnancy with a family that’s pretty damn close is weird. We children were hip to the whole Women Having Babies And Being Mothers Thing. Why they would hide it from us because of some sexual inhibition wasn’t an issue.  I remember seeing my new cousin at the hospital and learning they named her Annette at the urging of Leroy.  To you youngsters out there, Annette Funicello was one of the Mouseketeers on  The Mickey Mouse Club. In the prepubescent world of 1950’s sexuality, she was the hot one to the boys.

We keep seeing our grandparents, aunts, uncle, cousins. We now notice that Annette has a weight problem just like Aunt Ruby and Uncle Jim.  We start to call them The Tank Family.  Cooking  was Aunt Ruby’s passion.  She was good at it and she expected that you eat! Having plenty of food was an obsession of Depression survivors of my parents generation. Annette’s problem morphed into obesity.

Our nuclear family moves in our own specific areas of interest. We see the Tank Family less and less frequently. They move to a subdivision called West End Manor into a typical tri-level. Uncle Jim gets active in the American Legion; Aunt Ruby participates in the Auxiliary. Leroy graduates from high school, gets a job at the Safeway. Daddy gets him in the Marine Reserve and away from service in Vietnam.  Leroy marries someone named Alice whom I never met. The constant is Annette’s weight.  Annette is home, going to high school. She isn’t much interested in boys.

The other constant is Leroy’s inability to form a stable relationship with a woman. He divorces Alice, finds some woman named Myrtle, marries her. I never meet her either. Leroy liked women. Women liked him. He also liked to drink.

After my grandparents die, Aunt Lois inherits the house.  She has a successful career as a civil servant, with a high-powered job with the Defense Supply Agency.  In the early 1980’s she puts in a nice in-ground pool..  The family reconnects at my Aunt’s, like in the days when we were young children.  My sons get to know my cousins’ sons and daughters. (It’s a rarity these days when second cousins are close.)  The next tragedy is the death from a heart attack of Uncle Jim, in 1985, at age 60.  We get even closer as an extended family.

We see Annette more and more frequently. Her obesity spins off into diabetes.   Around this time, Annette comes out to my then wife and me. I had known gay and lesbian people before this, but never had I known one to come out.  All of a sudden, a distant issue becomes very immediate.

 

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