• #10528 (no title)
  • 15 September 2020
  • Gourmet, Down South
  • The Author
  • Walking
  • What Endures. What Passes.

Dispatches From Dystopia

~ "What man by worrying can add one cubit to his span of years?"

Dispatches From Dystopia

Category Archives: loneliness

A Matter Of Minutes

06 Wednesday Nov 2019

Posted by David in loneliness

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

loneliness

I went from sound asleep to wide awake in a matter of minutes. Around Three AM, I woke up to urinate. I probably should not have drunk that herb tea. Then I started to think about things, things I am powerless over. And then the loneliness sets in, followed by worrying about getting the recycling to the curb in time, making it to the dentist for a cleaning, getting to a meeting and the Y. Then I worry about dinner, if I will ever have sex again or if sex is even worth the bother. All this internal drama within an hour has me awake and, worse yet, worrying if I can keep my feelings in check.

I went downstairs. While writing this post, I am watching cricket, Afghanistan vs West Indies in the T20I format from India. I am not a big limited overs fan but this is what is available. The uniforms are so silly looking.

Now Train. #98 The Silver Meteor passes through Ashland on time, headed to New York. The camera pans to capture the empty town, illuminated by orange-tinted sodium vapor lights. I can hear only a strange rumbling noise. Is it an approaching freight? Must be. I shall wait and see.

I’m thankfully getting sleepy again. And maybe my heart won’t break. And maybe I can at least try to be happy.

“Do-Overs”

22 Saturday Jun 2019

Posted by David in American History, loneliness, sleep, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

#cricket, #Nostalgia

I just saw a headline regarding England’s loss to Sri Lanka in the ICC World Cup match of 21 June. Somebody was grousing about one particular player. England’s captain Eoin Morgan refused to make Mooen Ali the scapegoat for England’s loss. (He is the Captain, for Heaven’s sake. If he won’t stand up for his mates, he has no business being the Captain.)

Morgan Refuses To Blame Mooen For Collapse

“We didn’t deserve to win.”

That pretty much said it all. But somehow, some way, there has to be somebody to blame. Oh please. I’m on my way to becoming an ex-fan of cricket. OK. Stupid commentary is as popular as Sport itself.

That said. It is 2:19 AM. I couldn’t get to sleep. Maybe I’m jazzed up from working out. But last night (Thursday night/Friday morning) I worked out at the same time. Sleep was not a problem. But tonight, sleep had yet to come.

I came back downstairs, put the clean dishes away, moved the dirty dishes from sink to dishwasher. Now I am watching an English urban explorer show us a disused railway line neat Manchester. His Midlands accent is thick enough to slice. But he’s better than anybody on American television.

The people trekking about the countryside in England, America, Ukraine, and other places with metal detectors, or just a simple webcam on a “selfie” stick talking about their corner of the world do so much for improving my understanding of the world. They are true teachers, in my opinion.

I suppose what’s up with me is a true sadness about modern times. So much has been discarded. Some of it, maybe even most of the machines of the past, were obsolete, yet not totally. A passenger train was/is a dandy way to get somewhere. Nostalgia is about the pain of loss. “Progress” is a highly subjective term.

The Grand Budapest Hotel, that delightful film of a few years back was about mourning a lost world. In its fictional way, it was more honest than another film nostalgic for a lost world, Gone With The Wind. The antebellum South was a cruel and brutal world. We all know that. Yet Vivien Leigh and Hattie McDaniel were damn good actresses. They could con us into thinking it wasn’t.

Maybe what we really want in life are “do-overs”. We hope that one day we’ll get it right. The “it” can be a marriage, Thanksgiving Dinner, the England vs. Sri Lanka ODI limited overs match. Sometimes, I think the mind doesn’t know the difference among them. Nor does it care.

Through With PT

20 Monday May 2019

Posted by David in Health Issues, loneliness

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

#Isolation

I’m taking a respite from neck traction. After four weeks. I feel better but I realize I have had this issue for a long time.

I went to AA this morning and am going to another meeting after I post this. I have been isolating and hence lonely. The pinched nerve, or paying inordinate attention to it, only exacerbated the isolation, because I didn’t venture out nearly as much.

My blogging buds here kept me somewhat connected to humans.

Anyway, gotta go. More later.

Early To Bed, Yada, Yada, Yada

17 Sunday Mar 2019

Posted by David in loneliness

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

#Star Trek

I did go to bed early. And slept.Until Star Trek came on. It looked bad for the crew of Enterprise until somebody saved their bacon. Sorry I can’t be more specific. I do know Ted Cassidy (Lurch from The Addams Family ) was in it. I’m just not that big a trekkie.

So I am awake again. I found a travel film of Rio de Janeiro from 1938 on You Tube. There is plenty to hold my interest here. Plus it is in colour. Sadly the film is shorter than I would have liked it to have been. Another Rio travel film came on Carnival In Rio (1955), narrated by the voice of the 1950’s, Art Gilmore. I have seen it before, I’m back to watching Ashland on Virtual Railfan LLC.

J mentioned driving to Williamsburg later today after we go to 8:30 Mass. Somehow I don’t think that will happen now. She went to college there, at The College of William and Mary. So she is attached to the city. I like it too.

There is a sadness that surfaces in these late night bouts of wakefulness. Somehow I think I can trade in my current situation for another, happier one (with sex) as if my life situation was like an automobile. Crazy. It’s like I could be teleported into that different, better situation. How I just worked Star Trek back into this ramble amazed and pleased me. Therefore I’m going back to bed.

Gloom, Sleepless Gloom

09 Sunday Dec 2018

Posted by David in loneliness, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

loneliness, sleep

I have been up awhile. I put a DVD of Popeye cartoons from the 1930’s in the DVD player and watched for awhile. Truth is, I like to listen to the music. It’s a quirky 30’s swing music, perfectly synchronized to the action. The cartoons lift my spirits. I’m feeling the gut punch that is loneliness. I’m not making much of an effort to join my wife in Hallmark Channel Christmas movies, reruns of The Waltons or The Andy Griffith Show, after Don Knotts left. Somehow Aunt Bea and Goober just couldn’t carry the show. She works, comes home, then is off in her world..

Words she once pronounced 10 years ago still sting, “I guess I’m not very lovey-dovey.” Heartaches have sources and origins, leave scars, abd readily refresh themselves.

#98, The Northbound Silver Meteor, went through Ashland, 30 minutes late.

We are expecting snow today. I may sequester myself with lots of coffee, books, naps, movies and ride this storm out. I could always vacuum and bundle up newspapers, clean the kitchen and bathrooms, but it is Sunday after all.

Next thing to do is fix my wife tuna salad and some sliced strawberries for her lunch.

I just don’t care about Christmas any more.

Off to prepare the tuna.

Thirst

07 Friday Dec 2018

Posted by David in loneliness

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

#Faith

Perhaps the loneliness we feel

cannot be quelled by earthly things.

The longing that within us swells

Is for an otherworldly King.

That in our journey we shall find

Our gain is what we leave behind.

On Porn

26 Monday Nov 2018

Posted by David in loneliness

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

#Pornography

Pornography is the poetry of the lonely.

I don’t know better how to say it.

Night Lonely

18 Monday Jun 2018

Posted by David in loneliness

≈ 4 Comments

I long for sleep and yet

it is elusive.

I check this blog to see

if I have readers.

Who reads me?

Who therefore will know me?

3:00 AM

03 Friday Nov 2017

Posted by David in loneliness, sleep

≈ 8 Comments

It is 3:00 AM. I have been awake about forty minutes. I have YOUTube on and I just saw the opening scene of Apocalypse Now, featuring the haunting song of The Doors, The End.  I am in that kind of mood,

Now I’m watching a stripper from one of those campy revival troupes like Cin City Burlesque.  There is a great deal of fun and silliness, and  naive naughtiness to these routines. The antics displayed lighten my mood. 

Upstairs she sleeps.  And my side of the bed is pain. From my back. The sore muscles that never seem to stop aching.  Downstairs is my chair, my cup of decaf, and my imagination fueled by my loneliness.  I actually have the germ of a poem in my head about Christmas and the little things that make it what it is. Maybe tomorrow.

Holy Hour. Short Fiction? 

07 Saturday Oct 2017

Posted by David in Catholic Life, loneliness, Love and stuff

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

#Nocturnal Adoration

Perhaps there is no fiction. Perhaps the stories are how we tell the truth. The only way. And the dreams are the distillate of the waking hours.

The First Friday brings Nocturnal Adoration. The faithful sit quietly before the Consecrated Host, The Precious Body Of Our Lord, clothed, as it were, in the exquisite monstrance. The monstrance sits on the low altar.  And those who sit with Our Lord in the Form of Bread, contemplate, meditate, pray. Those who sit with Him at Four AM, sometimes fight back sleep, but always return to His Presence. This morning, Joseph brought just his Rosary and a prayer book containing the Memorare, which he had yet to memorize despite how many years.

Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored  thy help, or sought thy intercession was left unaided.

Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother to thee do I come, before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not  my petitions, but in thy mercy, hear and answer me.    

There were souls in Purgatory to pray for. And those here with us, with burdens too grievous to bear alone.                                                                       

 

There were Mysteries to be contemplated, Sorrowful, Joyful, Glorious. And hopefully Fruits to be blessed with.  One day. Some day. Now there were the beads, the prayers., the thoughts which fly to God via Our Lady.

In The Name….. I believe,,,, Our Father….., Hail Mary, Hail Mary, Hail Mary.

….now and at the hour of our death.

 Lead all souls to Heaven, especially those in most need of Thy Mercy.

Hail Holy Queen, Mother of Mercy….

The hour wore on in the silent church. When it ended he knelt at the altar rail before The Precious Body of Our Lord, blessed himself (In the Name of….) and left, dipping  his fingers in the font, blessing himself again.

He returned to the empty bed, yet more silence. Even the birds weren’t awake. Or did he refuse to listen?

He put his head on the pillow. Her scent lingered still. Patchouli.  How much longer would it remain? How long had it been?

Marriage. Such a fancy word. Powerful. All enveloping. Every day until….  A shared life until that end, which came with her in that hospital bed the hospice people brought, along with the morphine or whatever it was.  Her fingers touched the beads of her Rosary as she drifted away. The priest, Father O’Hara, gave her Last Rites, and she was on the way.

Fourth Glorious Mystery, The Assumption,  The Fruit of this Mystery is the Grace of a Happy Death.

That day for him that never ended.

← Older posts

Subscribe

  • Entries (RSS)
  • Comments (RSS)

Archives

  • March 2023
  • February 2023
  • January 2023
  • December 2022
  • November 2022
  • October 2022
  • September 2022
  • August 2022
  • July 2022
  • June 2022
  • May 2022
  • April 2022
  • March 2022
  • February 2022
  • January 2022
  • December 2021
  • November 2021
  • October 2021
  • September 2021
  • August 2021
  • July 2021
  • June 2021
  • May 2021
  • April 2021
  • March 2021
  • February 2021
  • January 2021
  • December 2020
  • November 2020
  • October 2020
  • September 2020
  • August 2020
  • July 2020
  • June 2020
  • May 2020
  • April 2020
  • March 2020
  • February 2020
  • January 2020
  • December 2019
  • November 2019
  • October 2019
  • September 2019
  • August 2019
  • July 2019
  • June 2019
  • May 2019
  • April 2019
  • March 2019
  • February 2019
  • January 2019
  • December 2018
  • November 2018
  • October 2018
  • September 2018
  • July 2018
  • June 2018
  • May 2018
  • April 2018
  • February 2018
  • January 2018
  • December 2017
  • November 2017
  • October 2017
  • September 2017
  • August 2017
  • July 2017
  • June 2017
  • May 2017
  • April 2017
  • March 2017
  • February 2017
  • January 2017
  • December 2016
  • November 2016
  • October 2016
  • September 2016
  • August 2016
  • July 2016
  • June 2016
  • May 2016
  • April 2016
  • March 2016
  • February 2016
  • January 2016
  • November 2015
  • September 2015
  • October 2014
  • September 2014
  • June 2014
  • May 2014
  • March 2014

Categories

  • #cricket
    • Cricket
  • #Grief
  • Addiction
  • Adult Children
  • Aesthetics
  • Age Play
  • alcoholism
  • American History
    • Politics
  • Amtrak
  • Animal Baby Cuteness
  • Anti-Marxist Activity
  • Art
  • Autism Spectrum Disorders
  • Automobiles,
  • Baby Names
  • Baltimore
  • Big Business
  • Birthday
  • Bloggers
  • British Empire
  • Capitalism
  • Cartoons
  • Catholic Life
  • Cats
  • Civilization
  • Class
  • Classical Music
  • cooking
  • Cricket
  • Cuba
  • Cycling
  • Delta Blues
  • Depression
  • Dogs
  • Erotic Writing
  • Exercise/ Fitness
  • Existential Despair
  • Fame
  • Family
  • Fantasy
  • Fashion & Grooming
  • Florida
  • Flowers
  • food
  • Foreign Films
  • Fruit
  • Futurism
  • Gay/Straight Dichotomy
  • Gender Identity
  • Gender Roles
  • Gentrification
  • Going Dark.
  • grafitti
  • Gratitude
  • Health Issues
  • Hedonism
  • Hidtory
  • History
  • Housework
  • kitsch
  • Literature
  • loneliness
  • Love and stuff
  • memoir
  • Mid Century Modern
  • Modernism
  • New York
  • Old Cameras
  • Otakon 2016
  • personal grooming
  • Pie Crust
  • Politics
  • Popular Song
  • Post Office
  • Railroads
  • recovery
  • Refugees
  • Relationships
  • Russian Orthodoxy
  • Sacrifice
  • sadomasochism
  • seduction
  • self-indulgence
  • Sexual Identity
  • Sexuality
  • sleep
  • Smartphones
  • Sobriety
  • Soup
  • Soviet History
  • Spirituality
  • Sport
  • Suburbia
  • Summer
  • Taste
  • Tasteless Gifts
  • Tattoo
  • Tea
  • The Villages
  • Tolerance
  • Travel
  • Uncategorized
  • Urban Brutalism
  • Vietnam
  • Wildlife
  • World War II
  • YMCA
  • YouTube-Videos

Meta

  • Register
  • Log in

Blog at WordPress.com.

  • Follow Following
    • Dispatches From Dystopia
    • Join 574 other followers
    • Already have a WordPress.com account? Log in now.
    • Dispatches From Dystopia
    • Customize
    • Follow Following
    • Sign up
    • Log in
    • Report this content
    • View site in Reader
    • Manage subscriptions
    • Collapse this bar