Lurking, Substitutions, Sleep

04 Friday Nov 2016

Posted by in Exercise/ Fitness, food, Gender Roles, Sexual Identity, Sobriety

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If you follow my blog, you might have learned a few things about me.

  1. I had a spinal fusion in November, 2015 that effectively ended my working career. The fusion was preceded by a rotator cuff repair in May, 2015.
  2. I am a practicing Roman Catholic, having converted in 2010 at age 59, from The Episcopal Church USA.  “Practicing ” means I go to both Mass and Reconciliation (Confession) regularly, pray The Rosary, abstain from meat on Friday as a penance. Most importantly, I take Church teaching on love and compassion very seriously.  My faith is like  a “hard limit” with me. I realize a lot of you have had some truly crappy experiences with the Church. I understand. I’m sorry it was so bad for you. Part of converting meant I had to get two previous marriages that ended in divorce annulled under Canon (Church) Law.  I totally get the annulment ordeal.
  3. I am a recovering alcoholic, 22 years sober, AA attending. Along with The Church, I use the 12 Steps of AA in ordering and directing my life . Patience and tolerance are among the gifts I take from them.
  4. Partly from AA, partly from family history, and partly from my own personal experiences around sex and gender identity,  I am very accepting around LGBT issues.  If you are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgendered, that’s OK by me. To that end I am curious about your lives and how you view the world.
  5. On the lighter side, I like to cook.  I also like to exercise, swimming and power walking mostly.

This takes us to the first topic in the title, Lurking. All you Butch Lesbians and Bisexuals out there should know I read your blogs. Occasionally I will “like” a post.  I realize most Butches are OK with my reading. Some aren’t.  To those who aren’t OK with people of my demographic reading your blogs, I’m sorry. But I’m not quitting, unless you bore me to death.

Topic #2.  Substitutions. Since I like to cook and am in Recovery, I find substitutions for wine, beer and spirits in food challenging. Most times I simply not use a recipe with alcohol.  I know how alcohol cooks off in a lot of cases.  But the “esters”, those wonderful compounds that give different wines their unique and characteristic flavor, give me a headache. Any tips on substitutes for alcohol would be appreciated.

Topic #3  Sleep.  Between not having a job and chronic, albeit moderate, pain. I don’t sleep well.  Throw in the Cubs winning the Series, and my circadian rhythm has no rhythm. I’m like Ward Cleaver dancing.

That’s it. I’m done for now.

Prurient Interest Made Me Who I Am Today.

02 Wednesday Nov 2016

Posted by in Sexual Identity

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I love that term “Prurient Interest”. I first came across it when I was reading about how the Supreme Court came up with definitions of “obscenity”, about fifty years ago.  Prurient is defined as “having or encouraging an excessive interest in sexual matters”, according to the Oxford English Dictionary (online).  The Court, way back then, was saying that, if a book or movie appealed only to prurient interest and had no other redeeming artistic or social value, it was obscene.  I don’t know if they argue about matters like these any more.  The time has kind of gotten away from what was considered obscene fifty or eighty years ago.  Does anybody read Joyce’s Ulysses for its powerful eroticism any more?  I saw the film The Lovers (Les Amoreuses) a few months ago.  What is significant about the film is that it figured in what constituted “obscene” in films.  The film would probably get a PG-13 rating today.  It’s actually a pretty good movie, starring Jeanne Moreau, and her character was having an affair.  We can’t leave the subject of defining obscenity without bringing up the Justice Potter Stewart  quote,  “I can’t define obscenity but I know it when I see it.”  By that standard The Lovers is patently NOT obscene. 

“Prurient Interest” basically alludes to curiosity about sexual matters.  What is left unsaid is that curiosity is a good thing and we human beings can’t help but be curious.  My readers will recall some entries I made about my lesbian cousin, Cousins Part One and Cousins Part Two.  I became intensely curious about the phenomenon of “Butch”, so I started reading up.  The sexual  interest aspect was lost soon after I started reading about it, but what remained was an enormous appreciation for lesbian-themed literature. I ordered Best Lesbian Love Stories 2004,  and Set in Stone,  edited by Angela Brown, published by Alyson Books.  The quality of the writing just blew me away.  I am in awe of these writers who have extraordinarily good storytelling skills.   What follows from reading the stories is empathy for the predicament of LGBT people, and respect for LGBT people.

A cheap thrill will dissipate.  Where  the search for a cheap thrill led me were places I never dreamed I would go.

Adventures In Gender Nonconformity

01 Tuesday Nov 2016

Posted by in cooking, Gender Roles, Sexual Identity, Suburbia

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That term “Gender Nonconformity” is pretty daunting. Why would I, a committed macho-type heterosexual male, dare to venture into this semantic minefield?

In 1961, the 4-H Club came to Skipwith Elementary School. We were still considered a rural area at that time, before the few farmers remaining sold out to the developers.  There were two teachers, facilitators, I guess they would be called now. There were two programs offered, Insect Collecting presented by the male teacher and Home Economics, facilitated by the female.  The unspoken cultural norm was that the boys would sign up for the Bugs, the girls for the Cooking and Sewing.

I signed up for  Home Economics.  I had no real interest, at that time, in collecting insects. The wonders of entomology had yet to seduce me.  I did, however, have some interest in cooking and the other “Domestic Arts”.  I was the only boy in Home Ec.  I do not know if any girls signed up to catch bugs, kill them with ether in a jar and present them pinned to a board.  The point is that it was no big deal.  Nobody said anything.  My mother was not concerned that I might become a “homo”, to use a contemporary term. She always welcomed any help around the house.

I did learn a thing or two. It kindled an interest in cooking, cleaning, and interior design that I still have.  Regrettably, there wasn’t much focus on sewing. I could have benefited from learning sewing. I wish I had pursued it.

“Gender Nonconforming”.  A boy takes Home Economics. A girl collects bugs. It seems the term inflates the significance and obfuscates the reality of what’s actually happening.  I don’t mean to disparage anyone dealing with these issues  and encountering difficulty.  I know that this is a very tough issue, from what I’ve read from my blogging colleagues. Simply put, my experience in doing a “girl-type” thing was, all in all, rather benign.

To all you Gender Nonconformists out there. Rock on!

Back, After A Brief Absence

31 Monday Oct 2016

Posted by in Health Issues, Love and stuff

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Here it is All Hallow’s Eve. We have yet to have Trick or Treaters knock on our door. We are lacking a porch light due to the exterior siding job currently in progress. We have little Paydays and Butterfingers ready to distribute as our contribution to The Pediatric Dentists’ Boat Payment Fund. Having a Registered Sex Offender in the neighborhood tends to depress our turnout. 

This is a tough time of year for me. It is the first anniversary of Ex-wife #2’s death. I miss her.

We are also coming up on the first anniversary of my spinal fusion. There is some happy reflection with this that centers around getting closer to Mrs CorC?. We would hang out in the bed watching Seinfeld, Andy Griffith Show and I Love Lucy. DVD’s. 

Close counts in horseshoes, hand grenades, and relationships.


October Lust

20 Thursday Oct 2016

Posted by in Love and stuff, seduction

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This is one of those Virginia tricks, when the leaves have almost turned,  but it is down right hot outside. 

Again?  Yes. And the sweat collects in our hair and when I kiss the back of your neck, I taste the salt and smell the sweat and I wonder why we still have our clothes on.

Here?  Here.  And my hands slide up your skirt to pull your panties down. And place them on the rail, a simple rag to the untrained eye.  I feel your naked buttocks, then stroking your cunny with my middle finger til the little dew drops betray your lust. 

I rub against you, but frottage is not my game as the dusk gives enough concealment to unbutton my jeans, then slide my hard wetness in. I pull your hips to me and  thrust, while you frig your clit and grind back harder.

And after I come, I pull out while you grip the rail, your legs too weak, just yet, to walk, as the semen drips out on the deck.

Coming Back

18 Tuesday Oct 2016

Posted by in Health Issues, Sport

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I’m good for only so much despair, before the fun opportunities present themselves and prevail.

The return from the brink began yesterday. I looked in the fridge and said to my self, “Self, we’re fixing dinner!” I got out all the stuff I was planning on using, the onion, garlic, tomato, mushrooms, tuna steak, and left over linguine. I started saute’-ing like a mad man. First the onion and garlic,  a carrot, a tomato, tbyme, basil, and any other herb that struck my fancy. I cut the tuna steak in chunks, added that. After a while the mushrooms entered the skillet, then the cooked linguini. After some simmering, I added a jar of marinated and quartered artichoke hearts, marinade and all. 

Meanwhile, the crab cake, I purchased for Mrs CorC? went in the oven. She loves crab. Alas, I am allergic to it. Her treat. I enjoy watching her eat it.  Finally, the asparagus I purchased were prepped and steamed. She came home to dinner ready to eat. For dessert there was a slice of chocolate babka with mint chocolate chip ice cream for her, a dish of butter pecan ice cream for me.

It gets better. Today I got a swim in. Aware as I am of a tender shoulder, I did a mere 1700 meters. After the swim, a shower with sandalwood soap and a shave. The sandalwood soap takes away the mundane dimension of the YMCA’s burgeoning population of middle-aged fat guys and senior citizen semi-cripples (myself included).  

Funny how very little, simple things can rejuvenate my sense of vitality.

Loneliness

16 Sunday Oct 2016

Posted by in Love and stuff, Sexual Identity

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I would say I’m starting my day in a fog, but that’s not quite the word. We can feel the Autumn early in the morning. There’s no color change yet with the trees. There is a bit of a draft at my ankles as I sit and write.

I feel an overwhelming loneliness almost every waking minute and I think everything I do during my waking hours is done with the intention of keeping that loneliness at bay. 

I feel shame for my sexual desires, yet those desires are for nothing more than a sexual dimension to my marriage. 

As I write, my wife sleeps. She sleeps a lot. 

Another day in this Hell. 

Musical Prompt: Ella Fitzgerald Sings The Rogers & Hart Songbook

12 Wednesday Oct 2016

Posted by in Love and stuff, seduction

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I read where this is National Coming Out Day. I’m an LGBT-friendly heterosexual male, who also happens to be, more or less, conservative politically. I moved beyond being conflicted by the Trump candidacy weeks ago to down right repulsed and ashamed. Good luck Hillary. Remember that people are going to vote for you who don’t like you or your politics one  iota but simply want the country led by an adult.

Back to the music and coming out. Lorenz Hart was a gay man, also an alcoholic. Being a drunk, I therefore meet a goodly number of lesbians and gays in the rooms of recovery. Bottom line, they are damn good people. 

Rogers & Hart.  These are wonderful songs. I listen to them and I want to slow dance, cheek to cheek (that’s an Irving Berlin song reference) with my wife, the woman who loves me and whom I love.  Alas she doesn’t dance. Nor do I. These songs are just too romantic to go to waste. If no dancing, just maybe some necking on the couch before we adjourn to bed. Is that asking too much?

Sloth? Acedia? Laziness? Lethargy?

10 Monday Oct 2016

Posted by in Classical Music, Depression, loneliness

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  • Sometimes I wish the first time I wake up in the morning would take hold. That I would and could stay awake for sixteen or eighteen hours straight, as if I were 22 or 45 or even 60 again. But no matter, since I’m not and will never be again.
  • Sloth and Acedia refer to a particular type of laziness, a spiritual torpor; disinterested, apathetic about developing a closer relationship with God in all Persons of  The Most Holy Trinity. Every Catholic experiences this at some point. It is part of our humanity, just as our libido is.
  • Then Laziness asks for the floor. Sometimes I’ve just done too much. And some kind of reward, money, a good laugh, a nice dinner,  weight loss, a faster time in the pool, or passionate love-making doesn’t appear. I’m disappointed and disaffected. I ask why I even bothered to make the effort, to even care.
  • Then the Lethargy sets in. I’m there now. I just want a little magic. A good nap with an attitude transfusion would fit the bill. I received from Amazon, via UPS, a CD of Glenn Could performing Bach’s Goldberg Variations, BWV988.  This will more than do for magic.

To No One In Particular

02 Sunday Oct 2016

Posted by in Sexual Identity

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You might think I’m crazy, but what you won’t know is what’s going on inside my head.  That I could love you, , that I could write you a poem, or just write you off.

I would be perfectly happy to wake up naked beside you, with my body pressing against your naked ass and my fingers probing your wet little cunt.

I want to smell your perfume, so that every time afterwards when I smell it I think of you. I want to always remember how your soft lips feel on my ear lobe.

I don’t ever want a yesterday with you. Or a tomorrow. Just a today, just this minute, just right now.