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Dispatches From Dystopia

~ "What man by worrying can add one cubit to his span of years?"

Dispatches From Dystopia

Monthly Archives: October 2019

At A College Homecoming

19 Saturday Oct 2019

Posted by David in #Grief, alcoholism

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Tags

#Academia, #Grief

Yesterday was spent on a trip to Williamsburg. We went to a memorial ceremony for J’s brother D, a graduate of The College of William Mary, Class of 1968. He died on 29 March, 2019 of ALS. J needed this as part of her mourning for D. She has had bronchitis most of this past week. Some of this congestion, I suspect, is grief unexpressed. It is a long process, this grieving. This College was one of J and D’s common bonds.

I realized, in walking around this lovely setting at this very old College, that college is an alien world for me. I have the degree. I can “pass” for educated. Yet I kept asking myself, “What am I doing here?” A lot of the alumni seem to be asking the same question, because they need alcohol to tolerate this Homecoming Weekend. I don’t go to my homecomings at The University of Virginia for similar reasons. I had to drink to tolerate the whole undergraduate experience there.

We are staying at a rather nice bed and breakfast. However, the room can either be chilly or overheated. We elected overheated. I said it is nice. It is quiet, with some cattle mooing in a front pasture. We don’t have cattle back home in Richmond.

I tried sleeping earlier. That lasted about two hours. I awoke, assessed my body pain, then dressed. After praying a Rosary, I cut my fingernails. The clippings fell on the red carpet, a red slightly darker than cherry Kool-Aid, for which I now suddenly and oddly long. Nails trimmed, I then picked the clippings out of the carpet. That ingathering of the nail clippings became the most meaningful thing I did all day. I guess it holds meaning because it signifies a task completed. And I did it sober, after prayer, after contemplating the Sufferings of Our Lord.

The Rosary has a tie to academia, through the Dominican Friars, like St. Thomas Aquinas and St. Dominic. Not only did they champion these prayers to Our Lady, but they more or less invented the university itself. Ironically, let us contrast today’s modern university, with their multi billion dollar endowments, exorbitant budgets, ever-rising tuitions to the work of mendicant friars. What if the faculty had to seek alms before the very first book was opened? What if the students had to go around begging for their tuition before they matriculated?

It sounds odd, weird even. But maybe we would value learning as something other than an entitlement of class, status, or intelligence. Imagine all of our leaders, humbling themselves, as part of a life experience.

Late Lunch Thursday Edition

17 Thursday Oct 2019

Posted by David in Uncategorized

≈ 2 Comments

Today at lunch when I was about to get a scene by scene summary of a particularly tragic death that was the subject of a TV show, I told J I did not want to hear about it, nor do I want to hear about any murders, adultery, infidelity, or suicides at lunch any longer.

I feel completely liberated from that junk. Never again.

Dutch Documentary

17 Thursday Oct 2019

Posted by David in History, Uncategorized

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# The Netherlands, #Early 20th Century

I don’t know precisely the right word to describe what someone in The Netherlands did with their movie camera over 100 years ago. They filmed a busy port of Amsterdam, freighters, passenger ships, lighters, warehouses, quays, trams, freight trains. Now I see a lateen rigged schooner pass through the camera’s view. It is a busy harbour in a city that would escape the catastrophe of The Great War.

The women wear long skirts in the Edwardian style. The men wear suits, ties, bowler hats, flat caps. There is no litter on the street. That suggests either a cultural value of fastidiousness, or a society that did not produce items deemed unworthy of retaining. Were there no pop bottles, beer bottles, potato chip bags, cigarette packages, newspapers?

The scenes had moments that looked like a scale model train layout. Now there is ferry taking a horse and wagon across the harbour, now a ship in dry dock.

We could call it modern. Children filmed in these movies could have lived into the twenty-first century, suffered under Nazi occupation, seen the transformation of the Dutch East Indies into Indonesia, the advent of passenger automobiles, air travel, satellites, women’s emancipation, radio, television, computers, artificial hormonal contraception, antibiotics, just for starters. Oh, and nuclear weapons. Let’s not leave those out.

We have our eye on the future and whatever it may bring, but we should always remember that the old culture was not that long ago.

Hearing What I Need To Hear

16 Wednesday Oct 2019

Posted by David in alcoholism

≈ 13 Comments

Tags

#Emotional_sobriety #Recovery

The last two AA meetings I have attended have had emotional sobriety as the topic. Have I been emotionally sober is the question I ask myself. With the feedback from Jade and Jodie in this blog, my blog posts dealing with how I have made myself a victim on the sexual relationship front have shown me that victimhood there doesn’t contribute to my emotional sobriety. Victimhood feeds into the concept of low self-esteem, which was a major contributor to my drinking. Low self-esteem does not contribute to emotional sobriety.

Today’s meeting was a chance to see my friend Fred, who recently lost his wife to Huntington’s Disease (what killed Woody Guthrie). It’s a slow death like ALS. We talked, reconnected. All in all, a great day.

Right now it’s raining. J has a cold, so chicken soup is cooking.

Life is good.

Sweet Morning

16 Wednesday Oct 2019

Posted by David in Railroads, Travel

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#attitude

I slept almost four hours before I awoke at Three AM. It isn’t all that unusual that people awaken and stay awake in the middle of the night. Regular sleep schedules are important for office and factory workers. I am neither.

There will the Northbound Silver Meteor #98 passing through Ashland in about 3 seconds, headed to New York. There are the darkened coaches, the lighted dining cars and those with bedroom accommodations. It rumbles through. No horn sounds, just the bell’s metallic clang. Trains are poetry, each car a stanza. Each passenger has a reason why he or she takes the train that has little to do with efficiency. An airplane is prose, a paragraph in a newspaper article. Those of us who admire the necessarily inefficient find no problem with the train.

I wish I had seen the old Pennsylvania Station, the one demolished in the early Sixties,whose demise sparked the historic architectural preservation movement. Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis was one of the earliest patrons, one reason why I admire her greatly.

J has a cold coming one, so she said as she left for work. We shall see how she feels later. She has her lunch, though.

It seems autumn days never get darker gradually, but they do. When we notice that it is dark at seven, then six we know that the next solstice is approaching.

No drama today. No hurt feelings. No longing. I will put expectations aside. I will not compare my life against a fictitious standard.

I will accept the love given to me exactly as it comes. My mother would quote a saying by Victor Hugo,”Profound hearts and wise minds accept life as God grants it,” After her stroke had left her aphasic, she could complete that saying, “….as God grants it,” By way of context she could also complete, “Bevis and…” “Butthead.” Good old Mom. Funny the things we miss.

Swim Reset

16 Wednesday Oct 2019

Posted by David in Uncategorized

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I went swimming as usual. What a difference swimming makes. I did 2500 meters. My distance for the week 10/9-15 is 12,100 meters or 7.5 miles.

The frustration and self-pity go away. Plus the much-sought after “aerobic” or endorphin high kicks in. Sweet.

The H.A.L.T. factor, I wrote about yesterday is making itself felt. I don’t feel out of sorts right now, in contrast to the drama of earlier today. Right now I’m not interested in eating through my feelings. Big victory.

Life is good.

Moisture Fatigue

15 Tuesday Oct 2019

Posted by David in Uncategorized

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

#vaginal secretions in erotic writing

Dear Porn Writers & Erotic Bloggers:

I know it’s a basic fact of human sexual physiology that the vagina lubricates itself in anticipation of sexual activity. I know it’s important, ya da, ya da, ya da. Still it gets a little tiresome, post after post after post. Now I know you women out there are strongly pro-lubrication, lady parts-wise. Who can blame you? Not me, that’s for sure.

Still, wet cunts are as common in porn as Green Bean Casserole made with Campbell’s Cream of Mushroom Soup and French’s Onion Whatevers are at Thanksgiving Dinner.

Just a hint. Broaden the repertroire. OK?

Late Lunch

15 Tuesday Oct 2019

Posted by David in Uncategorized

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

# lunch, #creepy_movies, marriage

So J gets off work. She wants to go out to lunch. She’s paying. What can I say? We go to Longhorn’s. They have a reasonably priced lunch menu. I get grilled chicken sandwich and a Caesar salad . She gets a cheeseburger and a baked potato. She then proceeds to tell me about a movie on TV last night, featuring adultery, jealousy, and murder, the kind of entertainment porn haters don’t mind watching. Go figure.

Meanwhile I sit through this ordeal, wondering if I could distract myself by cutting my hand off with the steak knife.

I want to have sex with this woman? Celibacy isn’t so bad, all things considered.

Need To Sleep

15 Tuesday Oct 2019

Posted by David in Uncategorized

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Odd sleep patterns do not easily disappear. I went to bed around 11:30 last night, woke up at 1:30, switched out the dishwasher, prepped J’s lunch (Fruit cup. Tuna salad), went back to bed around 3:30. I was up again at 7:00, and now, I feel bedtime coming back again.

I will sleep, awaken to get to AA round noon.

Emotional Sobriety H.A.L.T.

15 Tuesday Oct 2019

Posted by David in alcoholism, Uncategorized

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Tags

#Emotional_sobriety #Recovery

H. Hungry A. Angry L. Lonely. T. Tired

Alcoholics Anonymous is chock full of pithy sayings intended to support persons in recovery from alcoholism. One such saying is HALT, outlined above. I smugly thought that my emotional sobriety was in good shape, until I compared how I felt according to the HALT yardstick.

Hungry. I didn’t let myself get hungry. No I was eating at every chance and weight that I lost was coming back, and I never thought feeding my upset was a sign of emotional dis-ease.

Angry. I thought I was justified in the outright anger around issues I’m powerless over, like politics and the Roman Catholic Church. Add to those the petty resentments that I have toward J about the sexual desert.

Lonely. No sex. Need I say more?

Tired. I would sleep at every chance I get.

Here I was, trudging through life, with one issue after another, never thinking about drinking, but attached to the grievances of life, feeling like I deserved to hold all these resentments. Wrong. They were taking a toll.

In all likelihood, none of these circumstances will suddenly disappear. But you know, I don’t have to let them run my life.

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