This little episode has been the subtlest challenge I have had to deal with since my fusion. The fusion was pretty straightforward with a rigorous set of guidelines around recovery. This pinched nerve is deceptive. I think I can do stuff, only to find myself in pain afterwards.

So I have laid off swimming. I can move the muscles fine, but the pain the next day isn’t good. Pain is like your body’s “CHECK ENGINE” light. It is wise to pay attention to it.

So I took it easy yesterday. I’m frustrated because I want to do more.

It is 3:41 AM (Eastern time North America). Pain woke me up around 2:20. I’ve felt worse, but I am hurting right now. I watched the end of a fine film noir film from 1950, Night And The City.

Right now I’m listening to some Russian Orthodox znamenny chant, but I can’t get into it. I just fixed J some sliced fruit and an avocado for her lunch.

I suppose I will go back to sleep, but not now. I switched over to watch plus-size Brazilian women modelling intimate apparel, (underwear). Evidently the Brazilians don’t mind a little cellulite. Now I’m watching Marina Morlok show the melting snow outside her apartment as she chatters away in Russia. Now her hairless cat is on camera.

The Internet has made us all vulnerable, not in the sense of being subject to attack, but showing us all as human with our softness, frailties, and shared humanity.

Marina is my virtual friend, and I understand practically nothing of what she says. I hear only the deep, rolling cascade of Slavic verbiage. But it is a woman’s voice I hear, a woman’s face I see, as I recall again, my very first memories. From such a voice and such a face I learned to order the world.

If you’ve been following this blog lately, you are aware of my neck/shoulder issues. After yesterday’s swim, some shoulder pain post-swim did not alleviate. I decided that ice was in order, so I put a cold pack on the shoulder. That didn’t seem to help, so later I applied heat. All I think I did was further irritate the sensory receptors, which made the pain worse. Today, after physical therapy, I decided I would leave the shoulder alone by attempting no hot or cold therapies and taking a day off from swimming. It feels better, so I did the right thing.

I watched some NCAA “Women’s” Softball, although from a pure context of time, these women could be my granddaughters, had I grandaughters. I know that is mean and unenlightened to say, but if these women are 19 or 20, that means I was 47 or 48 when they were born, placing me in what I call “grandfather” range. I know, that could be patronizing or whatever, but Hell, I’m an old man, what do you expect? I don’t have a handicapped sticker, so I’m looking for a break somewhere.

I’m watching some Russians do a homemade Youtube show. They are speaking Russian and have gone to their ministorage locker. This is Russia today. Again the Russians are so much like us now. Seems as if peace should be the natural state between us.

I don’t really trust the politicians to craft a foreign policy that brings security to both countries.

I can barely stay awake. Bedtime.

Tired. I went swimming in the afternoon. I can move through the water with no problem. The soreness and pain take over when I done.

J had dinner with a friend. I had some leftover beef brisket to eat, along with some vegetables. After dinner I washed the dishes. When I returned home I started a load of laundry. When J came home I did another to take care of her work outfits, mostly red shirts.

I’m tired. J is watching a movie that I have no desire to watch. I will try to sleep.

J says she hates when I wear a sleeveless t-shirt, or athletic shirt, known colloquially in the U S of A as a “wife beater”.

Truth is I like them. They tend to feel hotter than other t-shirts, but I like the look if I’m in any kind of good shape.

So here I am.

Well the deep despair expressed last night has dissipated considerably.

Easter is a tough holiday. It should be joyous and it is; it just needs to last longer.

I had physical therapy this morning and it is a long process. The pressure on the nerve doesn’t just immediately alleviate.

It is time to refocus. I have worked hard to get back in shape. I have “punished” myself in the past by getting fat and submerging myself in self-hatred. I won’t this time.

1. My children are adults
2. My wife either is in bed reading, sleeping, watching television, or she is at work.
3. I am devastatingly, excruciatingly lonely.
4. Holidays drive the sense of loneliness in deeper.
5. I gave up sharing how I feel and what I want long ago.
6. If you have a great relationship with your partner, never cease to let them know that.
7. I believe I have no ability to have a truly intimate relationship.

Easter crams a lot of stuff into basically a weekend. Let’s start with the powerful stories of Holy Thursday and Good Friday. They are emotionally draining. Then the emotional and spiritual triumph of The Resurrection comes on Saturday night and Sunday. I wish we could take longer to celebrate. We had Easter brunch at my sister’s. My stepmother, my brother-in-law and his son, my two sons and #1 son’s wife, J, my sister K, and I were the attendees. My brother and his family were having a celebration at his mother-in-law’s house in Southside.

All I want to say about the food now is that was delicious and plentiful. I could write a lot about the food.

My younger son is going to his cousin’s destination wedding at a resort in the Dominican Republic. He doesn’t seem to understand the there are dangerous places in the DR, and it’s not the type of place where you just go hang out like Nags Head or Myrtle Beach.

He likes to mess with our heads. We hope when multiple adults tell him it’s a dangerous place for a novice traveller to just visit, he will get the idea to just go down to the wedding and get back. But nothing is ever easy with C.

Before The Vigil Mass

That’s what the doctors and physical therapists call them. I can swim without discomfort. But standing, sitting, moving my arm in simple tasks, like breaking asparagus in half, or slicing a lemon, forgetaboutit. We’re supposed to go to the Vigil Mass tonight. I have about an hour to get better.

After The Vigil Mass

Traditionally the Easter Vigil Mass contain the Liturgies bringing new Adult Catholic converts into The Church. It lasts seemingly forever, because I guess they want the newbies to see what they are getting themselves into.

If one doesn’t have a pinched nerve, it feels like it lasts a long time. With a pinched the duration morphs to forever. But I made it.

Upon my return home, I applied Tiger Balm liniment, the smell of which reminds me of Church incense. I have heat on the shoulder too. It feels better.

I get to sleep late tomorrow.

Next weekend is Orthodox Easter. In the Russian Orthodox tradition, the Vigil lasts all night and, as an added feature, there are no pews, chairs, or seating of any kind, unless you have a disability or are aged. However, the traditional chanted Liturgy is exquisitely beautiful. There are no Russian Orthodox Churches in Richmond,