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Dispatches From Dystopia

~ "What man by worrying can add one cubit to his span of years?"

Dispatches From Dystopia

Category Archives: Love and stuff

From Archbishop Sheen.

11 Sunday Feb 2018

Posted by David in Catholic Life, Exercise/ Fitness, Love and stuff, Sexual Identity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

celibacy

https://book-and-rifle-papist.tumblr.com/post/170743049874/celibacy-is-not-the-renouncing-of-a-person-outside

This is one of those challenges that puts my narcissism into focus. I have been living as half a person, waiting for my dormant sexuality to awaken and flower again, except that never seemed to happen, unless I wanted to destroy my marriage.

So I would live a vicarious sex life through various sex blogs, or watching pornography. I wondered if I would ever regain the intimacy that sexual pleasure with my wife would afford.

It never entered my mind that there was perhaps a “still more excellent way.”

Sex is pretty damned exploitative and self-serving, the way we pursue sexual satisfaction in this culture. Tear out the procreative motive and the exploitation is even worse.

I never thought I would be writing this. Please don’t think I am preaching at you. This is my choice, decision and perspective. I was simply trying to find happiness down a path I was not meant to walk.

A Cup Of Things Unsaid

19 Sunday Nov 2017

Posted by David in Love and stuff, Sexuality

≈ 12 Comments

Tags

#lipstick

There it was, on the blacktop in the parking space beside the Mercury, a Starbucks cup. 

“What’s this doing here?”

” I don’t know. It was there when I got in the car. Somebody parked in the space, put the cup there, then drove off and left it.”

“Oh. Didn’t you leave a Starbucks cup in the car? I thought maybe you…”

“Why would I put a cup in  that space? Besides, there is lipstick on the lid. I don’t even own lipstick, especially in that shade of red.”

“That’s right you don’t wear lipstick. What was I thinking?”

What was I hoping for, wishing for, dreaming of, that maybe, just maybe, you would embrace your femininity? Because it would give me just a bit of pleasure to see you dolled up just a little bit. Maybe I’d feel like a husband, better yet your lover,instead of your housemate.

Sick Of It All

14 Tuesday Nov 2017

Posted by David in Love and stuff, Relationships, Sexuality

≈ 1 Comment

I won’t gloss this over. I feel an enormous sense of shame for being a man, for having sexual feeling toward women. Just to want a physical relationship with a female puts one at risk. That feeling of mutual sexual attraction can lose that mutuality in a matter of minutes. And then? Acting on that attraction becomes a criminal act. It is not worth the trouble or the risk,

I will readily exclude  the predators from possessing any healthy sexual desires, men like  Harvey Weinstein, Bill Cosby, Bill Clinton to name three. Pick your own. Each generation gives us a new Tartuffe. Anybody remember Jimmy Swaggert? 

Celibacy is a defensive necessity. Chastity, to disengage from the sexual rat race, to escape the sexual maelstrom, is appealing as a liberation from this hollow intimacy.

So it is farewell. Erotic love is dead. It is an illusion. It demands vulnerability and vulnerability begets betrayal. No thank you. 

Growing Up

11 Wednesday Oct 2017

Posted by David in Love and stuff, Relationships

≈ Leave a comment

Is it too much to ask to be loved by EVERYONE, always and forever?

Yes. As a matter of fact, it is. Impossible.  Part of growing up is coming to this realization. That doesn’t means one’s life will be devoid of love. That also doesn’t give one license to be mean or petty or vengeful.  It just means that the narcissism that clouds our perception of the world has lost a bit of its grip.

Welcome to Adulthood.

Holy Hour. Short Fiction? 

07 Saturday Oct 2017

Posted by David in Catholic Life, loneliness, Love and stuff

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

#Nocturnal Adoration

Perhaps there is no fiction. Perhaps the stories are how we tell the truth. The only way. And the dreams are the distillate of the waking hours.

The First Friday brings Nocturnal Adoration. The faithful sit quietly before the Consecrated Host, The Precious Body Of Our Lord, clothed, as it were, in the exquisite monstrance. The monstrance sits on the low altar.  And those who sit with Our Lord in the Form of Bread, contemplate, meditate, pray. Those who sit with Him at Four AM, sometimes fight back sleep, but always return to His Presence. This morning, Joseph brought just his Rosary and a prayer book containing the Memorare, which he had yet to memorize despite how many years.

Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored  thy help, or sought thy intercession was left unaided.

Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother to thee do I come, before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not  my petitions, but in thy mercy, hear and answer me.    

There were souls in Purgatory to pray for. And those here with us, with burdens too grievous to bear alone.                                                                       

 

There were Mysteries to be contemplated, Sorrowful, Joyful, Glorious. And hopefully Fruits to be blessed with.  One day. Some day. Now there were the beads, the prayers., the thoughts which fly to God via Our Lady.

In The Name….. I believe,,,, Our Father….., Hail Mary, Hail Mary, Hail Mary.

….now and at the hour of our death.

 Lead all souls to Heaven, especially those in most need of Thy Mercy.

Hail Holy Queen, Mother of Mercy….

The hour wore on in the silent church. When it ended he knelt at the altar rail before The Precious Body of Our Lord, blessed himself (In the Name of….) and left, dipping  his fingers in the font, blessing himself again.

He returned to the empty bed, yet more silence. Even the birds weren’t awake. Or did he refuse to listen?

He put his head on the pillow. Her scent lingered still. Patchouli.  How much longer would it remain? How long had it been?

Marriage. Such a fancy word. Powerful. All enveloping. Every day until….  A shared life until that end, which came with her in that hospital bed the hospice people brought, along with the morphine or whatever it was.  Her fingers touched the beads of her Rosary as she drifted away. The priest, Father O’Hara, gave her Last Rites, and she was on the way.

Fourth Glorious Mystery, The Assumption,  The Fruit of this Mystery is the Grace of a Happy Death.

That day for him that never ended.

4:18 AM And Awake

09 Saturday Sep 2017

Posted by David in Literature, loneliness, Love and stuff

≈ Leave a comment

I have been up since 3:30 or thereabouts. I went upstairs last night to be with Mrs CorC?. She was watching The Andy Griffith Show episodes, then shows on lottery winners shopping for new houses on HGTV. OK. That was nice, I suppose, but the house-hunting millionaires inspired such chagrin in me I can’t begin to describe it. I have a house, I have a pretty good life. What do I care about the desires of lottery winners?.

Usually at this hour, I take time to pray the Rosary.  Now I am watching a movie in Greek about the poet C. P. Cavafy on YouTube. Since I don’t understand Greek, I must follow the story through the images and visual narrative. This is always a rewarding activity in that it gets one out of a customary way of seeing the world.

I feel sleep wanting to return. I’m debating whether to return to the “big bed” where my wife is sleeping or to sleep alone

Who can describe the pain of loneliness and the burdened heart? Blessed Mother you know me so well. Let me aspire to dream at your feet, enveloped in your pristine love.

The Thrill Is Gone

08 Friday Sep 2017

Posted by David in Love and stuff, Relationships, Sexuality

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

#Adultery. #Promiscuity

I hope I don’t have some sort of sexual dysfunction.  I remain attracted to women and my physical responses are still present. There is something going on however. I no longer delight in tales and anecdotes of sexual escapades.  

I have looked at my sex life and my interest in sexual matters.  Revulsion is now the operative word.  Not guilt over what I have done.  Truth is, what I’ve wanted is love. Human sexual activity may or may not be about love. And in 2017 America it ain’t!

I see nothing loving in adultery, even when you slap the word polyamory on it. I see nothing loving in promiscuity, even when that is rationalized away. I am repulsed at fetishising sexual chastity, when  chastity is debased to a super-thrill. Brutality is still brutality, even when it is “safe, sane, and consensual”. 

Human sexuality is the playground of the selfish and self-serving and has been for a long time. The rules of the Judeo-Christian marriage, chiefly monogamous, lifelong unions between a man and woman make more sense than the values of the “hook-up” culture. Among those dubious values are divorce, cohabitation outside of marriage, and artificial contraception.

I’m sure many of you are shocked by these statements. Or annoyed.  I just want off the Sexual Fantasy Island. Because I see the misery out there living the Free Love Lie.

Choosing

19 Saturday Aug 2017

Posted by David in Catholic Life, Love and stuff

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

marriage

Celibate or Chaste? I no longer consider my marriage that lacks a sexual dimension to be a “less than” or inferior bond. It is what it is. And the love between my wife and me is wholly satisfying. 

I believe our highly sexualized culture is a great deception. That happiness based on sexual fulfillment is an unattainable state and rests at the heart of this deception.  

So I’m choosing chastity until we have a sexually active aspect to this marriage.   As a Catholic marriage, we recognize God in all Three Persons of the Most Holy Trinity as a partner in this bond.  Our marriage is our Vocation. I am saying good bye to the illusions of the erotic fantasy world.

Reminders

15 Monday May 2017

Posted by David in Love and stuff, Sexuality

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

marriage

We all need reminders that life on this Earth is worth living.  For example, at Mass, I’ll frequently get a better idea of what Love is by watching the children with their parents than by listening to the homily.  Any priest worth his salt would probably agree.

The best reminders are usually commonplace,  A beautiful sunset, singing birds, a well-played baseball game, dessert.  In the Reminders Class is sex.   It is how I connect and relate.  If or when that physical relationship with our Lovers diminishes or disappears,  the loss is agonizing.  I caressed Mrs CorC?’s thigh the other night as we lay together in bed.   She rebuffed the gesture, but emphatically stated “I love you!”  I have been living with the sting since that moment.   Truth be told, she doesn’t “do” love “that way”, through expressions of physical affection.  In the wake of each rejection, a quest for validation, joy, and fun begins.  I’m a master at sublimation; a long swim, a good meal, a beautiful novel.   A Rosary, quietly prayed, opens another channel for Love to come in.   So deep night finds me alone with the beads.

I read of husbands and wives who keep the flame of sexual love alive. You give hope to me.

Further Down The Road

12 Friday May 2017

Posted by David in Love and stuff, sleep

≈ Leave a comment

What prompted the increased vigor toward getting rid of stuff is the spectre of my YMCA dues being drafted from my checking account sometime around Monday. If I can sell enough books to cover the dues, that would be great. I’m about 20% there already.  It’s a fun game.  

Sleep? I’m pro-sleep. And yet….

It comes hard. Sleep. I wake up at night from the discomfort of being in one position, am awake for an hour or so.  Last night, at 3:00 AM, I watched a re-broadcast of a Big 10  Women’s Softball Tournament Game.(Note: There are more than ten universities in the Big Ten,  but the Big However Many Colleges Are In The Conference This Year is a bit unwieldy.)  In my senescence, I’m watching more baseball and softball, with a greater appreciation for the games than I’ve ever had before in my life.  I finally got sleepy again, around 4:00 AM and slept til 7:00 AM.  This is all an aftermath of the back surgery.

In this room straightening and book culling, I’ve found several tubes of lubricant, intended for use in sexual activities, all unopened. Add the Magic Wand Vibrator to the lube tubes and you get the idea how bleak my life my love life is. 

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