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We all need reminders that life on this Earth is worth living. For example, at Mass, I’ll frequently get a better idea of what Love is by watching the children with their parents than by listening to the homily. Any priest worth his salt would probably agree.
The best reminders are usually commonplace, A beautiful sunset, singing birds, a well-played baseball game, dessert. In the Reminders Class is sex. It is how I connect and relate. If or when that physical relationship with our Lovers diminishes or disappears, the loss is agonizing. I caressed Mrs CorC?’s thigh the other night as we lay together in bed. She rebuffed the gesture, but emphatically stated “I love you!” I have been living with the sting since that moment. Truth be told, she doesn’t “do” love “that way”, through expressions of physical affection. In the wake of each rejection, a quest for validation, joy, and fun begins. I’m a master at sublimation; a long swim, a good meal, a beautiful novel. A Rosary, quietly prayed, opens another channel for Love to come in. So deep night finds me alone with the beads.
I read of husbands and wives who keep the flame of sexual love alive. You give hope to me.
Marriage is not just two people living in the same abode going about their lives together. Once upon a time, you two saw something in each other and thought you loved one another. Did you? Do you still? Life, like water under a bridge, ebbs and flows. Issues come and go. Problems occur.
My mother told me before I got married the most important thing in a relationship is honesty and open communication, ALWAYS. Be truthful not only with your spouse but with yourself. Ask, how can I be as alluring and desirable to her as when we met? Can we pretend we just met and go on little dates which don’t cost much, if anything, like long walks or picnics and bare our souls to each other? Listen to nice music like we used to. Talk about our future together and what is important to both of us, not us as separate people.
I say all this to you as a woman “almost” your age who has been through an “almost” divorce. My husband had consulted an attorney. I was unfaithful. I was unhappy in our marriage due to years and years of neglect by him. He works very very long long hours and used to work every other weekend. I mean like 16 hour days, come home, eat, shower, go to sleep and do it all over the next day. He rarely saw our daughter. I basically raised her alone and grew very resentful. Then he would question my decisions and how I spent money. It was a bad situation. I went from being a very good girl to a very bad one.
We separated for about 7 months. I moved in with my mom and we shared our daughter (she was in high school by then.) But, he still loved me although I was the uncertain one. He begged and pleaded with me to go to counseling with him. My heart was hardened. But over time I was lonely. I missed him. I decided, what did I have to lose by trying, because at heart he is such a good person.
I had for years been reading books about domination and submission. I told him (when it was clear we were getting back together) that I wanted him to not just be more present in our life/relationship, but to be dominant in the relationship. That this was what I desired, wanted, and needed.
I want you to know that today, May 22nd is our 23rd anniversary and our relationship is better and stronger than it ever was. The sex is better and more incredible than it ever was and we are “almost” your age. I am not saying this type of relationship is for you and your wife. I am not advocating it for everyone.
What I AM saying is that no marriage can truly exist without total and brutal honesty and open communication. On both sides. I hope you find your lost love. I am thinking of you. and wish you well!
Thank you so much! That hit home. I’m going to print this out and re-read over the next few days. Our anniversary is coming up too. Number 16 for us. God bless .
Have you read “The Five Love Languages” ( I think that’s the title.) I too am not huge on physical expressions of love, truth is I never have been. My husband is big on the physical aspect, as are most men. He also thrives on concrete ways of showing his love such as buying me jewelry and flowers. I have SO MUCH jewelry, lol. For me, I would be just as happy with the long walk or picnic or reading a book together or watching a film and talking about it over a meal we cooked together. You must discover what your beloved’s love language(s) is or are. Then speak them with love. Good luck.
I have started it. It’s in the “Read” stack. That question will serve as prod for me to finish it and give the book to her.