I looked at a post on a social media site where the poster, a young lesbian, stated she was “battling low self-esteem”.

And I thought to myself, “Who isn’t?”

Seriously. Persons from groups that have been subject to discrimination and stigmatization, like lesbians, may feel uniquely burdened by this emotional malady. But we all do, to some degree or another.

In our culture that differentiates between winners or losers, survivors or victims, eaters or eaten, low self-esteem must be the order of the day.

The only way out is to not “play the game”. By the way, that is easier said than done.

That’s all for now.

…..and something happened. It was like a switch had been flipped. Probably wasn’t the best time for a nap, 6:00 PM or thereabouts. But I slept for a while. And I woke up “Not Tired”.

When I awoke, I came downstairs to find the Pakistan / Australia Test Match Second Innings were on. The partnership of Rizwan and Babar captured my attention. Babar scored a century (100 runs). Rizwan put up a respectable number and is still batting at the tea break. Pakistan is having a strong showing in the second innings.

What I noticed, after my nap,was that a lot of discomfort, stress, and uneasiness were gone, also my seeming need to eat without restraint. Sleep deprivation might be a key part of my current problems.

Maybe.

November

I’m indoors

I am warm

As I hear

Autumn rain

Pelt brown leaves

Speed their drop

First light will

Show Winter.

It is Two AM. I went to bed early. I am awake for now, but I will sleep some more. I had a dream where I was being considered for membership in the Country Club Of Virginia. The absurdity of this rivals any play that Samuel Beckett could have written.

“What in God’s name am I doing here?” I asked myself in the dream. My dreaming mind was now attempting to justify joining the Country Club and figure a way to pay the initiation fee and monthly dues. I don’t play golf, tennis or squash, nor do I drink. My days of impressing people are long over.

Fortunately and thankfully I woke up.

“Would you like to go with me today? I have to drive to Fredericksburg.”

Never let it be said that I don’t do stuff with J. Driving (or riding) and I don’t get along. It’s that combination of boredom and sitting that I find unsatisfying. However, sitting around or sleeping through the morning isn’t exactly a “stroll down the promenade with a fine lady and her white poodle”, as Harvey Keitel’s character, Herr Ludwig, declared in The Grand Budapest Hotel.

So a road trip with the Little Woman seemed like a good idea. After stopping at two Publix in Richmond, we drove to the one in Fredericksburg where J has to check on sun care and premium hair care items. It wasn’t a bad drive. I am glad I don’t do this for a living anymore.

Truth be told, she just wanted me to hang out with her.

Later This Afternoon

Upon arriving at our next to last stop, #2 Son C, with his uncanny sense of bad timing, calls to talk about gun control and the dearth of candidates to his liking in his particular part of Henrico County. I just don’t want to have these particularly useless, pointless discussions right now. He did tell me he is going to the 🇩🇴 Dominican Republic tomorrow for his cousin’s destination wedding. This is one of the times I am glad his mother’s family wants no part of me. He will return in time for Thanksgiving dinner with my family.

The drive on I-95 up and back from Fredericksburg was short, and the traffic moved rapidly and relentlessly. I am glad I am retired, the principal take away from today. The role of the automobile in transportation policy is another fruitless topic of discussion. We have to accept the automobile’s limitations when we accept its benefits.

Now I am reading The Craft Of Intelligence by Allen W Dulles, the CIA Director JFK fired after the Bay of Pigs invasion of 1961. It is an interesting book if one is curious about how we got to where we are today. Arguably the CIA is part of the legacy of bad foreign policy decisions of the Post World War Two period up to today.

The mind is working overtime. Later, folks.

The negative thoughts, the emotional pain have returned. I need a nap, maybe. Or a lover. Or a loss of conscience for a day or two.

Today is a Wednesday. It is 0500. I have been up a little over an hour to see J off to work.

And I want to go back to bed, sleep another three hours. Having a dream with strong erotic content would be nice.

Loneliness seems permanent for me.

On YouTube now, I’m watching Nicola White of Tideline Art. She is my not-so-secret London crush. She is a “mudlarker”, that is, she hunts for little treasures in the tidal mud flats of the Thames. Her enthusiasm is delightful,

I should go to a meeting at 10:00, at the clubhouse near my home. Or I could sleep.

This need to cry that never comes is frustrating. Now I associate it with leaving this home and this marriage for a completely new adventure and relationship. It is, of course, fantasy, illusion.

The client files will spend another six months here. She wants to give them to her old colleague Gary, who is still in practice.

“Do one thing to move forward”, was a bit of advice I heard at a meeting the other day. I shall heed that advice.

So many of you I know as friends in this cyberworld. Is this my true home, my true village?

Later, Loves ❤

J worked til around Noon. I went to AA at 10:00, then went shopping, bought the makings for chili because it is a good chili night. Now it is after One PM.

I’m going swimming this afternoon, after I start the chili. I bought 2 avocados in order to make guacamole. J likes guac. Right now I could cry for no reason at all. Could be that I am tired.

I read Jade’s blog post Seeing The Mastery over at Jadescastle The Chrysanthemum And The Sword. She always writes well of her relationship dynamic.

Naptime