I went to bed earlier than usual. J had been in bed, asleep, earlier, with the TV on. Hallmark Channel Christmas movie. She sleeps with the TV on. The best I can hope for is to have a DVD of something more to my liking than Hallmark Channel.

So I went in the other room, to the other bed. And slept fairly well.

Lesson learned.

I am in bed. But I can’t shut the world out.  Each night I confront my spiritual emptiness and the world’s spiritual emptiness. I am discoursged. I can only resolve to renew my efforts upon awakening.

I’m not anymore.

I had such plans, two meetings, then swimming, then home to do stuff. But body pain took over. I came home lay down for a bit . Now it’s back down.

Later.

J told me a few weeks ago that she liked turnip roots and rutabegas. So Wednesday, while grocery shopping, I purchased a rutabega.

It has this waxy coating to it and a rind. So I cut the rind off it, cut the thing in sections and boiled it til the sections were tender. She liked it, I liked it. We had it with roasted chicken breast and asparagus. Another dinner at home was satisfying and way less costly than restaurants.

I did all that stuff I said I ought to be doing today. I awoke at a decent hour. I went to two AA meetings. After the second meeting, I went to lunch with friends. We are all homies. Across from the lunch place is the site of the school building where Haig (yes, he is of Armenian heritage) and I went to elementary and middle school. Part of it had been demolished to construct medical offices. Connecting with people was great.

After lunch I went to the Y and swam. Now dinner is cooking and J will be home soon.

Yes!

If you read this blog, you will notice I have had a rough patch. I’m climbing back, doing worthwhile things, but I need to re-establish the set of actions that help me and this household the most.

Little victories this week include no eating at restaurants since Sunday. The key is having dinner ready so J can’t suggest going out. I have a dinner planned for tomorrow. Chicken breasts, asparagus, and rutabega, with baked apples for dessert, maybe fresh pineapple with strawberries and bananas instead.

I need to go swimming at tbe same time every day, right after an AA meeting, when I am out and about. Nights after dinner won’t work in the winter when it is cold and dark outside.

I need to eat breakfast every morning, before I do anything else. Staying up in the morning is also key.

Developing interests outside of the house, like photography or writing about Richmond are important. I think a departure from recovery, Church and health/fitness would be well-advised, although I consider those areas to be critical, the basis, for me, of good self-care.

Lastly tonight, I will stop managing my time and making do-able goals unreachable by over-projecting. Just a little more tomorrow is enough.

I did the stuff on my Plan. I even made butterscotch pudding for dessert, the kind you cook on tbe stove top with whole milk. It is cooling as the pork roasts. What “Little” doesn’t like pudding cooked on the stove?

The meal is cooking. I went to the AA meeting and brought up a topic around relapsing; how the “relapse” process begins long before we drink. Things like not getting what we want, a resentment that festers, can set us back.

Dealing with negative sentiments, despair, and upsets takes work. I make a mistake when I think I am immune to this stuff.

I think I will go swimming after dinner. That would be wise.

Today looks like so many other days, except today is colder. I should eat something but I don’t know what. I will go shopping in a few minutes, pick up a pork roast(?) to have with sweet potatoes and green beans. Planning dinner is about the best I can do right now.

It is these mornings when I want to cry for no reason that are hard.

A Plan:

Put on boots, go grocery shopping. then AA. Hang out with people afterwards. Come home. Fix dinner. Wait for J to get home. Spend time with her, even if what we do is just lie in bed together,watching some sit com from the old days of TV. Avoid the Washington Goat Screw at all costs.

We kissed yesterday morning when she was in no hurry to get out the door. It was deep and long and lingering. The kiss made me feel like she thought I was worth kissing. That is a start.

Today was cold, rainy, with a flourish of wet snow for a finale. I could have stayed home, but I went to AA instead, two meetings, in fact. I’m glad I did. I needed to be with people, my beautiful friends. I like AA because all of the crap we cling to in the non-AA world falls away. And we sit down to learning how to live in this less than perfect world.