The negative thoughts, the emotional pain have returned. I need a nap, maybe. Or a lover. Or a loss of conscience for a day or two.

Today is a Wednesday. It is 0500. I have been up a little over an hour to see J off to work.

And I want to go back to bed, sleep another three hours. Having a dream with strong erotic content would be nice.

Loneliness seems permanent for me.

On YouTube now, I’m watching Nicola White of Tideline Art. She is my not-so-secret London crush. She is a “mudlarker”, that is, she hunts for little treasures in the tidal mud flats of the Thames. Her enthusiasm is delightful,

I should go to a meeting at 10:00, at the clubhouse near my home. Or I could sleep.

This need to cry that never comes is frustrating. Now I associate it with leaving this home and this marriage for a completely new adventure and relationship. It is, of course, fantasy, illusion.

The client files will spend another six months here. She wants to give them to her old colleague Gary, who is still in practice.

“Do one thing to move forward”, was a bit of advice I heard at a meeting the other day. I shall heed that advice.

So many of you I know as friends in this cyberworld. Is this my true home, my true village?

Later, Loves ❤

J worked til around Noon. I went to AA at 10:00, then went shopping, bought the makings for chili because it is a good chili night. Now it is after One PM.

I’m going swimming this afternoon, after I start the chili. I bought 2 avocados in order to make guacamole. J likes guac. Right now I could cry for no reason at all. Could be that I am tired.

I read Jade’s blog post Seeing The Mastery over at Jadescastle The Chrysanthemum And The Sword. She always writes well of her relationship dynamic.

Naptime

I tried. I was in bed by 10:30. I slept til about Midnight. And now I am awake and dressed and writing a blog post. The Great Prostate Exam of 1968 (#Me Too?) doesn’t seem to want to go away. I am making myself crazy questioning my memory.

A doctor visit fifty one years ago should not be a cause for lost sleep, but it is.

I had slept about two hours when I awoke. I dressed, and went downstairs. I fixed a pot of decaf. Later I prepared steel cut oatmeal, Bob’s Red Mill. I actually prefer McCann’s but it is a tad pricy. Now i am sleepy again. I feel sad, haunted by the memory recently resurfaced.

I can work through this, maybe,

I made that earlier post (#Me Too?) and it is staying with me. I have been a zombie for the rest of the day. Fortunately J came home. We have been together since. We went to Mass tonight. In front of us was a cute little baby with her parents. Made the whole day worthwhile.

And I’m just sitting now. I thought ice cream would pick up my mood but now think, just sitting and enjoying my coffee.

People get brutalized all the time. Remember how you felt. That is how they feel.

All over America motors make noise, rumbles, reverberations, humming. Electromagnets, armatures, windings of copper. If I think long enough I can tell you the whole point and purpose of all that, the physics.

Edison, Tesla, Herz, Faraday, Volta, Ohm, Galvani, all the gang.

But for now, I just hear the motors, then the gongs, now the train horn as I watch the Silver Meteor pass through Ashland in the sodium vapor light.