0352 30 VIII 2019

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Is it insomnia when I don’t want to sleep? I went up early, lay down beside J while she watched whatever it was she watched, something about horrible things happening to people but with happy endings on TLC.

I came downstairs around 0300 to fix her tuna salad, pack her lunch. Then I wanted coffee, the real thing, no decaf. I made a pot.

My son is still in hospital, getting better, but his lipase is elevated, along with his bilirubin. He did walk around yesterday.

So I sit now. A freight train just passed through Ashland. It was a big one, going on forever.

Today I get a haircut, take shirts and trousers to be laundered, do the things I said I would do yesterday. There is a pair of trousers I bought in late winter I never bothered to have hemmed and cuffed. Today will be the day.

Amidst all the feelings I feel in early morning is a deep sadness about the state of the world. I think we have managed to “settle” for personal freedom, such as driving anywhere we want in a car, not being bound by “heteronormative, patriarchal standards” in directing our sexual behavior and relationships, or deciding when to end our lives. But is that freedom? Of course, at one level, it is.

Peggy Lee, the great American chanteuse, had a big hit in the 60’s, “Is That All There Is?“. I hear that refrain from time to time. Then I think of Job, the biblical character, who wondered why horrible things happened to him.

The fundamental human conceit is the notion that we have a right to know the answers to the mysteries of the universe. I am reminded of Icarus, the son of Daedalus, in Greek mythology. Daedalus had mastered flying by fashioning wings with feathers held in place by wax. Icarus used this mastery to fly too close to the sun, melting the wax, destroying his wings, sending him plunging into the sea.There should be no consequences for the effects of our curiosity, we declare.

I don’t know. Maybe I should just stick to getting my hair cut and my trousers hemmed. Now I am sleepy.

Catch-up

  1. I was exhausted today.
  2. #1 Son RB is still in hospital, getting over pancreatitis ia no small thing.
  3. The blessing in disguise is getting to know my daughter-in-law better.
  4. #2 Son is coming by on Labour Day.
  5. We found a thrift shop that will take the kitchen cabinet that fell off the wall in April 2018.

The Pile

This is what my contribution to recycling looked like this morning. That is roughly two rooms, with more to come.

I had to get up early to get this stuff out when Recycle Man gets here some time around 8:00 AM.

Because of my idiosyncratic sleep habits, I only slept a wee bit, like 3 hours, before I awoke, then stayed awake so I could put the junk at the curb. After that mission was accomplished, I went back to bed, slept two more hours, then got ready to go out with J, who had been running errands.

We had brunch, then went to the thrift shop, grocery store and farm stand. I put a brisket in the slow cooker, with a 7:00 PM finish time. Toward the end I put fresh corn in to roast. I sliced some primo Hanover tomatoes.

Dinner was good. Tomorrow’s lunch is ready for J. I am tired.

Favorites

When I can swim, cook, read, write, sing, and fuck, it is an even more wonderful world than it already is. That kind of defines being human for me. Yeah, I should mention being in loving relationships, acknowledging the cosmic dimension of Christian Love, and treating all people with compassion and respect, especially when we disagree with them. But if I go into great lengths on that other stuff, I would be morphing this into some syllabus on being Mr. Perfect, which I don’t want to do.

Here is what I have done in life fairly consistently, I find the things that I enjoy doing, are beneficial for me to do, and nurture my soul at the deepest level. Then, once found, I avoid doing them, finding “more important” things to do. Finally when doing the “other stuff” to the neglect of the “important stuff” has wrought maximum unhappiness for my loved ones and me, I declare it is time to get back on track.

The “other stuff” leaves a debris field of dust, clutter, mess. As I clean, I see myself in the new clean, neat Dave Universe, functioning flawlessly. Cleaning accesses my fantasy world. The truth is imagining my self doing the things I enjoy is the first step in doing them.

Go figure.

The Home Office.

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I shifted my junk purging to the room J used as an office when she had her accounting practice. It was a hodge podge of paper, unfiled, disorganized work sheets. Just wretched. So I shredded about two big garbage bags full of papers, put all her professional books in one box. (She will never look at these again). Whether the information is still current is another question. But there they are. I might subdivide them to make them easier to carry out the house.

It was/is hard work. I fell asleep in my chair afterwards, before I even had time for a shower .

There is more to do. The pile to be recycled is substantial.

I will go back to the other bedroom tomorrow, and pare down my book collection (accumulation).

Lazy, Hazy, Crazy Days

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There was a song from my childhood Lazy, Hazy, Crazy Days Of Summer, sung by Nat “King” Cole. It was catchy because, even today, after almost sixty years, I can’t get It out of my head sometimes.

It was a Summer where my father had his gall bladder removed, in the days before laparoscopic surgery. This required opening up the abdominal cavity to excise the offending organ. It took a while to recuperate, but it did leave a cool scar. We kids were farmed out to our extended family; my elder brother and I stayed with our Uncle W and Aunt J, my sister and younger brother to Pop and Grandma Eva.

I guess I remember all this now because of my son’s episode with his gall bladder. And this Summer is almost over. I did not swim outside rven once this year. I don’t “tan”. Sitting around outside is not my thing. During the Gall Bladder Summer, our aunt took us to this fancy recreation center, Ginter Park Recreation Association. There was a nice pool. It was architecturally impressive, kind of a Tudor Style building, consistent with the anglophilic spirit of Richmond. That was the summer I saw my uncle eat dinner in his underwear, actually with just his trousers off, his shirt and tie remained on. Maybe he had a meeting later, with the Masons or the Republicans or a Vestry meeting,and the press of his trousers needed conserving, but Daddy never ate in his underwear.

This is also the year we played strip poker with my cousins. I lost, was totally naked. They teased me and I hid in a closet. So, is that why I am somewhat “peculiar”? It was powerful humiliation with homosexual overtones. I don’t know. This little incident, coupled with my uncle’s choice around dressing for dinner, were truly formative experiences.

Getting back to the song. It seemed to fit. These were times of lunch counter sit-ins, The Cold War, Cuba. People went to drive-in everything, movies, burger joints, even churches in Southern California..

There were psychopathic killers then and executions of psychopathic killers. Westerns were on television, along with cigarette commercials, quiz shows, and, of course, Sitcoms, all in summer reruns. The new tv shows came in The Fall, along with new car models. The season change was about New Stuff. We didn’t know it then, but popular culture was controlled by advertising agencies in New York. Think Mad Men.

We wanted to believe we were a modern world, making progress. People waited on line for vaccinations against polio. Imagine that happening today.

Simpler time? Actually pretty damn complex, hierarchical in ways we can’t imagine. We live still in reaction to that time, while still buying in to the notions of material progress that set the tone of yesterday and today.

The Day Of Rest

Well that is what I did. I thought about going to Mass. Turns out my sister and her husband went to St. Benedict. There was a large attendance for the 1100 Mass, but I was just hurting. I took some naproxen (Aleve) and slept till 230.

J worked. She had a good day. We went to a late lunch / early dinner around 400.

She came home to sleep. I watched the run chase by England to defeat Australia in the Third Ashes Test. Ben Stokes had a stellar performance. Cricketers are extraordinary athletes. If American kids, ages 5-9, saw this Stokes performance, we would be a cricketing nation within a decade. Throw Jofra Archer into the mix, we would be there in five years.

J has two more work days til she is off. Both days are 700 AM starts.

We are getting closer every day.

Life is good.

Interruption

Yesterday RB, #1 son texts, telling me he is at the ER with acute abdominal pain in the region of his gall bladder. He is 43, prime gall stone age. They kept him for more tests. So I’m going down in a bit to check on him.

He just left his job to explore another career. The stress of travel among other factors, prompted the change.

I had thought about visiting after Mass, but my current state of pain dictates I stay home. Right now the left hip is the most painful site in my old, body. But I’ve learned if I feel good emotionally, a little pain, sometimes even a lot is tolerable. I’m 68, for crying out loud.

Right now, the people at Willow are showing West Indies vs. India, rather than the Ashes. Oh well. If I could remember my password, I could watch on my computer.

This India/WI Test puts an excellent Indian 11 on display. I will give it a look. At least it isn’t raining. Not now, anyway.

These West Indian crickters look like American football players, tall anf muscular. A good athlete is a good athlete. I’m sure some of these chaps could play in the National Football League, given the chance.

Mandatory Adulting

J has had jobs in her life that require maximum “adulting”. Let me mention a few: case worker for social services, certified public accountant, financial manager for a church and the affiliated parochial school, and merchandising representative for a grocery marketing company.

She’s had lots of jobs with lots of responsibility. She ran her accounting practice from the house toward the end and she left messes of work sheets and client records all thrown on the floor. It was as if she couldn’t bear to deal with them for another second. The debris reflected her unhappiness. Now she works a job that physically exhausts her, but she can leave at the store at the end of her shift.

So nurturing from me is priority. She has spent years suppressing her need to play and be nurtured.