Category Archives: Sexuality

Sunday Morning

14 Sunday Oct 2018

Posted by in Catholic Life, Depression, Sexuality

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It is 0518. I have been awake may be an hour. Pain wakes me up as it usually does.

The sadness that is there, the sadness I deny is there, filters in. I’m smart enough by now not to fight it.

I’m watching the wonderful performers of CinCity Burlesque do their striptease acts. They simultaneously mock and affirm our sexuality as classic burlesque stripping usually did. I like these women because they don’t have “perfect”bodies in the Playboy permanent adolescent perfect sense. They like to move their bodies. They dance, even though they don’t fit the expectation of what dancers should look like. Burlesque is always a mocking of our stereotypes, a parody of our lusts. They provide the important diversion from my pain.

I am enjoying my morning coffee and a slice of cinnamon babka. I’m feeling sleepy again. Maybe I will get up in time for the 8:30 Mass, or at least the 11:00 AM Mass. What with the deception of latest clerical scandals, I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut. But I persevere. I seek Jesus in His Holy Church, infiltrated by most unholy men.

The exercise is paying off. My shoulder has less pain, more mobility and flexibility.

Mrs DFD has work today. I will miss her. We are having dinner tonight somewhere. I hope it’s nice. We went to a French restaurant a couple of weeks ago that was pricy, but the food was very good and the atmosphere superb.

So I’m going back to bed after one more cup of coffee.

Later, dear readers,

Peaks and Valleys

19 Thursday Jul 2018

Posted by in Depression, Sexuality, sleep

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So my mental health has been OK. I don’t know why I call it “mental”. I feel these emotional swings that are noticeable, but not extreme. Just when I feel most hopeless, that feeling dissipates. Right now I am fine.

My sleep patterns are odd. So now, it is 0140,Thursday morning. I should go back to bed. I had a nap around 20:00 Wednesday for about ninety minutes. I thought I was going to sleep the whole night. But I woke up, energized. Now the sleepiness is creeping back.

I miss having a sex life. A little romance might help.

Intimacy

18 Monday Jun 2018

Posted by in Love and stuff, Relationships, Sexuality

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I have a hunger for intimacy. I see sex, the carnal act of love-making, genital stimulation, orgasms, as a declaration, an expression of intimacy, the two becoming one.

I won’t comment on what I can’t relate to, specifically same sex attraction. But the hunger for sexual fulfillment unsatisfied is intimacy denied. Without love-making, husbands and wives are merely going through the motions. I must also state that sex without mutually felt desire is also a travesty of love. I had a marriage where the mutuality of desire ended. I had descended into a carnality that even I felt repelled by. And so sexual love died, before the legal marriage ultimately ended. It was a time of regret tinged with horror, as I reflect on it, nearly 24 years after that marriage ended.

So here I exist in a sexless marriage again, longing for union and intimacy, sustained only by a love on another level. It is a love, profound in its depth, yet ultimately unsatisfying. It is a mute marriage, bereft of the cries of pleasure and ecstasy. Taking one’s lover to ecstasy is a great gift of marriage. Hiding our passions is the great betrayal of our lover. We speak of “letting go” when we surrender to orgasm. I doubt that “letting go” is what sustains us. Rather it is the “drawing in”, through all the sweaty passions that nurture us.

In A Sleep-deprived Fog.

28 Monday May 2018

Posted by in Relationships, Sexuality

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My wife got in last night a little before midnight. She wanted to “unwind”. For her, this means watching crime drama TV shows, where people get murdered or disappear. De gustibus non disputandem. (There is no disputing matters of taste.)

I chill with her for the night. I know it’s just fiction, but still killing as entertainment doesn’t do it for me. I have a rather exhaustive knowledge of the wars of the Nineteenth and Twentieth Centuries and the more I learn about killing, the more repulsed I am. It is truly the stuff of nightmares; so a TV show that ends in murder by blunt force trauma won’t send me to dreamland.

So now I sit. It is almost 1300 Hours (1:00 PM) My eyes have yet to adjust to wakefulness, I need to sleep some more. The pain of life without a physical, sexual lover, the platonic Hell, if you will, seizes me fully. How she lives as she does is a mystery to me, Yet I persist, because the other expressions of love are powerful also, perhaps more powerful than Eros.

A Cup Of Things Unsaid

19 Sunday Nov 2017

Posted by in Love and stuff, Sexuality

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There it was, on the blacktop in the parking space beside the Mercury, a Starbucks cup. 

“What’s this doing here?”

” I don’t know. It was there when I got in the car. Somebody parked in the space, put the cup there, then drove off and left it.”

“Oh. Didn’t you leave a Starbucks cup in the car? I thought maybe you…”

“Why would I put a cup in  that space? Besides, there is lipstick on the lid. I don’t even own lipstick, especially in that shade of red.”

“That’s right you don’t wear lipstick. What was I thinking?”

What was I hoping for, wishing for, dreaming of, that maybe, just maybe, you would embrace your femininity? Because it would give me just a bit of pleasure to see you dolled up just a little bit. Maybe I’d feel like a husband, better yet your lover,instead of your housemate.

Sick Of It All

14 Tuesday Nov 2017

Posted by in Love and stuff, Relationships, Sexuality

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I won’t gloss this over. I feel an enormous sense of shame for being a man, for having sexual feeling toward women. Just to want a physical relationship with a female puts one at risk. That feeling of mutual sexual attraction can lose that mutuality in a matter of minutes. And then? Acting on that attraction becomes a criminal act. It is not worth the trouble or the risk,

I will readily exclude  the predators from possessing any healthy sexual desires, men like  Harvey Weinstein, Bill Cosby, Bill Clinton to name three. Pick your own. Each generation gives us a new Tartuffe. Anybody remember Jimmy Swaggert? 

Celibacy is a defensive necessity. Chastity, to disengage from the sexual rat race, to escape the sexual maelstrom, is appealing as a liberation from this hollow intimacy.

So it is farewell. Erotic love is dead. It is an illusion. It demands vulnerability and vulnerability begets betrayal. No thank you. 

End Of Third Quarter

29 Friday Sep 2017

Posted by in Exercise/ Fitness, Family, Sexual Identity, Sexuality, Uncategorized

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Yes Sirree, Boy!  Where did the time go?  It seems like only last week I was hip deep in the muck of a Presidential Election, but that was 11 months ago.  Now…  

It seems like I was just buying Hallowe’en candy to give away to the urchins pounding on my door, (or, most likely, eat myself).

It seems like only just the other day, I was wondering if I would ever see my abdominal muscles again or weigh under 200 lbs, much less 185.  Had you told me six months ago, I would swim two miles, without stopping, and think nothing of it, I would have laughed. Since April, I have shredded a lot of notions I held about what a 66 year old retiree is supposed to look like and what his capabilities are.

I have also become quite comfortable living with conflicting ideas about politics, relationships, the very nature of love itself.  Try truly not caring about what somebody else thinks, but just love them, not in a superficial and/or a sentimental way. Love someone in the sense that you care about their welfare, that you want to see them live another day. Love someone, expecting nothing out of it for yourself.

Right now the  figurative elephant in my cranium I’m avoiding writing about is sex.  My sexual imagination is rich, deeply influenced by ideas of domination and submission and their accompanying ritual acts.  Yet my sex life is chaste.  I wrote a little story House Boy , detailing a fantasy I had.  There are more up there.

Would I like to act out?  Hell yes, in the worst way, but I know how the real world operates.  I also love the woman I am married to.  That Love and that vow of love I made controls taking any action that contradicts that vow.

And you wonderful people who stop and read what I write, thank you. I read what you share. I am in awe of your courage and willingness to sit at a key board, pound the letters, and sweat blood. 

I am on my way to becoming a writer of online erotica, the least likely job/avocation I thought I would have.  It will be fiction.

“Don’t try this at home, kids!”  will be my motto. But sometimes it just needs to be written.

Waiting For The Fog To Lift

16 Saturday Sep 2017

Posted by in Relationships, Sexuality

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Actually, it is a lovely late summer day, only a few days away from the Autumnal Equinox.  There is no real fog. But in my head, it’s another matter. I’m engaged in the mental wrestling match, pitting Desire against Inhibition.  I realize that my fear of rejection has me keep silent in the agonizing climate of sexual negativity inside my marriage. If I state my needs, her issues will be expressed and they will override what my desires are.  This sucks.

And my usual outlets, based on a rich fantasy life and the accompanying auto-erotic self-stimulation, don’t work any more.  Those outlets are about self-centeredness and only exacerbate the loneliness.

 There are only so many games to watch on TV, laps to swim, and cold showers to take.  I’m giving Anne Rice’s Beauty‘s Kingdom another read-through, seeking some respite in the sumptuous, but implausible, decadence. 

Would I walk away from my world and my values, just to feel better or different right now? Stay tuned.

The Thrill Is Gone

08 Friday Sep 2017

Posted by in Love and stuff, Relationships, Sexuality

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I hope I don’t have some sort of sexual dysfunction.  I remain attracted to women and my physical responses are still present. There is something going on however. I no longer delight in tales and anecdotes of sexual escapades.  

I have looked at my sex life and my interest in sexual matters.  Revulsion is now the operative word.  Not guilt over what I have done.  Truth is, what I’ve wanted is love. Human sexual activity may or may not be about love. And in 2017 America it ain’t!

I see nothing loving in adultery, even when you slap the word polyamory on it. I see nothing loving in promiscuity, even when that is rationalized away. I am repulsed at fetishising sexual chastity, when  chastity is debased to a super-thrill. Brutality is still brutality, even when it is “safe, sane, and consensual”. 

Human sexuality is the playground of the selfish and self-serving and has been for a long time. The rules of the Judeo-Christian marriage, chiefly monogamous, lifelong unions between a man and woman make more sense than the values of the “hook-up” culture. Among those dubious values are divorce, cohabitation outside of marriage, and artificial contraception.

I’m sure many of you are shocked by these statements. Or annoyed.  I just want off the Sexual Fantasy Island. Because I see the misery out there living the Free Love Lie.