Yep. Chores is one of those words associated with working on the farm in Kansas, with Hunk, Zeke, Hickory, Uncle Henry, and Auntie Em.

This morning, after I awoke the second time, I decided today was the day I thoroughly cleaned the bathroom, not just the toilet, sink and tub. We have the clothes dryer in the bathroom. That means it is a wildlife sanctuary for dust bunnies. Plus there’s lint. So I get to work. Spent a couple of hours on everything and it’s all sparkly now.

I can and should do more. Keeping my focus on what I can do helps with the anger and frustration.

Now that the tub is sparkly, I think I will give J the bath bombs I bought here back around Easter. Hope she likes them.

The day my Social Security check lands in my checking account is always special. It is like Christmas morning, without the religious overtones. With my money, I ordered a pound of BOKAR Coffee from Verdugo Coffee Roasters. The product was one of the brands in the A&P line of coffees back in the day. When Compass Foods took ovet the line from A&P, they eventually discontinued BOKAR. Verdugo bought the rights to the name, the package design and the recipe and now sells it. Dad liked BOKAR, so I think of him when I drink it.

I was tired around 10:00 PM last night. So I went to bed without prepping J’s fruit or assembling the rest of her lunch/snack. I awoke around 2:00 AM, and have been awake ever since. I fixed her snack and just sat here. I read a book on Kindle© that contained basic grammatical errors, like the wrong pronoun used with a preposition. I’m either too tired to know what that’s called or I forgot. Chalk it up to being an Old White Man that I even care.

“Am I the only one who gives a shit about the rules around here!”- Walter Sobchak The Big Lebowski

Speaking of The Big Lebowski, I feel more like Walter than I do The Dude. The “eff-it”attitude of The Dude doesn’t register with me.

Right now, I’m waiting for a train to pass through Ashland #98,The Northbound Silver Meteor is running a little late. It should go through town at about the time I can stay awake no longer. The train just passed through. Things are getting blurred as I write. J is stirring upstairs. She has to be at the store at 6:00 AM. It’s 5:11 right now. Guess I will stay awake to see her off. Then back to bed.

I’m trying to keep my anger in check and mostly succeeding.

My life is a long process of letting go.

Energy is coming back.

J’s last day on her second job was today. Hopefully she will relax and rest more frequently.

Sex is still a dream.

It is 10:45 AM in St Petersburg, Russia. We are watching the Divine Liturgy from The Church of The Presentation Of The Lord. The Choir is there singing the responses to the chants of the priests and deacons.

The members of the congregation are wearing their masks and maintaining the requisite social distances. There is awe and reverence for the Divine Liturgy being said.

This is Russia 2020.

It’s your day Inseminators, male parental types, and other designated role players.

Savor the Patriarchy while you can!

I increased my Prozac© dosage from 20mg to 40mg. Maybe the stress of insurrection is too much for my usual dosage. I am watching my Ukrainian metal detecting guys (Crazy Seeker on YT) magnet fishing in a river in Ukraine.They pulled out the outer casing of a Soviet era washing machine. The inner drum, mechanical parts and motor were missing. They also found an anchor. Earlier I watched the Brooklyn Bridge camera for a while. In the early morning sun, the Bridge is exquisitely beautiful.The coffee tasted good.this morning and I want another cup. Body pain and sleep deprivation are taking their toll on my mental health. Tomorrow is the Summer Solstice here in the Northern Hemisphere. This is the only hemisphere I have known.In about five months you will begin to hear incessantly Gene Autrey singing Frosty The Snowman ⛄ . Enjoy these last few months of serenity while you can. I will try to sleep some more. Depression sucks. Denying how bad I feel is even worse.

I texted her,

Most days I feel totally worthless and unloved and try to think of ways to be loved.

Come up here.

Yes, Ma’am.

I don’t know where the “Yes, Ma’am” came from, inside of me. It just sounded right. We started watching an old movie Barefoot In The Park, with Jane Fonda and Robert Redford but she switched it over to Law and Order, SVU. Neil Simon or sexual psychopaths? The winner: sexual psychopaths. To be honest, it really was the better choice. It is a contest as to who had the lesser amount of talent, Redford or Fonda over at Barefoot In The Park.

Meanwhile, ” I need you to wash some red tops for work tomorrow.” I get out of bed to wash red tops. Then I go back to bed. A new psychopath episode is on.

I switch the wet laundry to the dryer, then discover I can’t sleep. Or don’t want to.

I come downstairs, and prep her fruit for tomorrow, pit the cherries, hull and slice the strawberries, slice the bananas. I fill her little cookie container with 3 Tate’s Bake Shop Butter Crunch Cookies. I put out a mini chocolate croissant. She has a little Sargento Balanced Break cheese, nut, and dried fruit snack. I also put in some homemade chili just case she has to work a full shift and needs a lunch.

Now in the silence of downstairs, I hear the Seinfeld DVD playing upstairs.

I will finish a cup of tea, Lapsang Souchong, the smoky kind. Maybe I will watch more of the Brooklyn Bridge. I will think of my city destroyed and try neither to cry nor plot vengeance

When dawn breaks, I will look for another reason to live.