J has two jobs, one principal part-time job, about 32 hrs a week, and a secondary job, average about two hours per week. She did a call on the second job in Williamsburg and I went with her.

Because of my newly found understanding of her nature, I decided I would dress in “adult” clothes, not the usual jeans, tee shirt and work shirt,with. Crocs© rubber shoes on my feet. So I chose a short sleeve Madras plaid shirt with red and yellow tones, grey cargo trousers that were ironed with an actual crease, and black lace-up canvas boots, the Palladium French paratrooper boots.

My objective was to not look like an over-age college boy or a tourist, since we were going to Williansbutg, a college town and major tourist destination. My objective was to be noticed by her, that I did something different for her.

I think this is all going to come together. Creating a space where she is safe and treasured is my goal.

After dinner I went to the Y to swim. Swimming felt good. The water was a nice cool temperature for lap swimming. I was slower yesterday, with theology on my mind. Little questions like Why the Incarnation, Why The Crucifixion, Why the Fatima Apparitions? ( I believe them to be true) I got to 1650 meters when a thunderstorm closed the pool.

When I got home around 9:45 PM,I fixed J some new chicken salad, (all white meat chicken, and diced red delicious apple with raisins, almonds, and celery. I then sliced her strawberries. I sat down with some brewed decaf to watch …something, anything on YouTube. Around 11:45 I said to myself, “Better get to bed.” This would be my first night back to sleeping nude. Only I didn’t sleep. My pinched nerve arm was bothering me. So I got up, got dressed and here I am two and a half hours later, thinking, “Maybe now I can sleep“

I have come to the conclusion that my first wife never really loved me. I suspect that she lacked the capacity to love a man completely. That her concept of love lacks any sense of permanence, except for the Love she feels for her children.

All of those memories of first love stay with me. But now comes the suspicion that that was all felt by me alone. That there never was an “us”. We somehow believe the stories we tell ourselves about the world and love and how it’s all supposed to work out. We buy the stuff to outfit our lives: cars, clothes, food, houses. But none of this can fill or satisfy this fundamental emptiness. Those of use who are really lost try to fill the emptiness with alcohol or drugs, gambling. promiscuous sex. Those don’t work either.

I had been going through life thinking I somehow was responsible for the failure of my first marriage. Now I am not so sure. That leads me to my second marriage and its failure, and my current and final (hopefully) marriage. J and I, despite our frustrations and shortcomings, really love each other.

J had work starting at 4:30 AM. She wakes up. I wake up. I got to bed before 11:00 last night. Still four hours sleep isn’t enough.

Right now I would like to go back to sleep, but I am also stimulated by all that is happening in my world Right now Train #86 is stopping in Ashland on Virtual Railfan LLC. I’ve read blog posts from my blogosphere buddies. I wouldn’t mind having a cup of coffee. I miss my wife.

I sit here. I’m thinking about sleeping again. I brushed my teeth, took my medicines and vitamins. I ate some food. I can barely stay awake. I think of couples in love with each other and have sex.

I have decided to watch Fritz Lang’s silent classic Metropolis. I have the 2008 restored version. It seems more timely than ever, an early dystopian classic. The themes are humans dehumanized and brutalized by technology, and a vicious system of class stratification and oppression.

This predates the work of Huxley and Orwell. It is a stunning declaration for human freedom and dignity. Its challenges to the merits of science and technology remain to this day.