I have come to the conclusion that my first wife never really loved me. I suspect that she lacked the capacity to love a man completely. That her concept of love lacks any sense of permanence, except for the Love she feels for her children.
All of those memories of first love stay with me. But now comes the suspicion that that was all felt by me alone. That there never was an “us”. We somehow believe the stories we tell ourselves about the world and love and how it’s all supposed to work out. We buy the stuff to outfit our lives: cars, clothes, food, houses. But none of this can fill or satisfy this fundamental emptiness. Those of use who are really lost try to fill the emptiness with alcohol or drugs, gambling. promiscuous sex. Those don’t work either.
I had been going through life thinking I somehow was responsible for the failure of my first marriage. Now I am not so sure. That leads me to my second marriage and its failure, and my current and final (hopefully) marriage. J and I, despite our frustrations and shortcomings, really love each other.
i know you really love her. That is why i keep pleading with you to be direct, tell her, remind her why she fell in love with you. i’m a big believer that we get to make our own happily ever after and that we have to KEEP DOING the things that made our loved ones FEEL loved to begin with. It’s why i do so many different things each day to keep her always feeling loved.
Unless you really ask first wife, and really want to hear the answers, you won’t know if she loved you. If she loves her children as you say, then she would have to love a part of you for being the person she made them with. Your love for your children is so beautiful. I cannot imagine having a Good Father in my boys lives, and not love a man just for that alone, forever.
Last night, in insomnia, i read something that sent me down a rabbit hole. i looked at the first house i had ever served in, wondering if seeing the house would jog memories. i already knew they hadn’t owned the home in decades. Found out the first woman i ever slept with and was wild about died seven years ago, from leukemia, just 44. It’s such a strange thought.
Thanks. I keep putting my love for J out there. Each day she works, I fix her lunch the night before because I love her.
I know that and I know the special effort you put into detail shows your love. That might not be her first love language for receiving love. What do you remember when you think about the last time you felt in love and safe with her? How does she communicate love to you?
She likes being cared for. But you are right about love language observation. I’m going to have to think about this for awhile.
i’m waiting to listen, if you want to share ❤
Thanks.But I’m really stumped at this point. I hear “I love you” a lot. I know she means it. But am I getting to her in a way she wants to renew a passionate, sexual marriage? Is her absence of libido age-related? I need to open up more.
Think back. What did you do, say, feel, show her love that led to passion before?
Let me think, real hard. Will check back.
With my ex, I was property. I was his play thing to pick up when he felt like it and then set down on a high shelf to show off. In my young, inexperienced mind, I believed the control he exerted over me was love. I thought the gifts after he’d mentally, emotionally, and physically beaten me down meant he was sorry and I was special. I don’t think we truly know what love is until we’re shown it. About 4 years ago, I was in full blown addiction to a (prescribed) anxiety medication. I abused it and suffered extreme withdrawals when I ran out. My family knew I had a problem. I had denied it for months and thought I’d kept my secret hidden, but they all knew. My husband came home from work one morning after the kids were in school, and he told me we needed to talk. Somehow, I knew exactly what it was he wanted to talk about and I was petrified. I genuinely believed that he’d leave me if I admitted I had this problem. Instead, he held me, he supported me, he made arrangements for me to get help. He told me there was nothing I could do to make him stop loving me. He forgave me before I forgave myself. That was when I discovered what real, unconditional love is. I didn’t know it was even possible to have that in a relationship. I love my kids in that deep, unconditional way, but I had no idea I could be loved like that. That experience taught me that I can go to Adam with any mistake, any problem, no matter what it is, and he will help me carry the burden without hesitation.
1 Corinthians 13:4-5: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.”
Succulent Savage said:
David, how does she show you love? Most of us unconsciously express love through our primary love language. Was she once affectionate? Have you tried sitting next to her on the sofa and holding her hand or putting your arm around her? Sometimes the simplest of things can make all the difference.
I had this light bulb 💡 moment around J and me. I’ve been “strategizing” about the relationship right along with her. It pulled me further away from who I am. Today I got in touch with my sensual self and my creative self. I feel more like “me”. We shall see how she responds.
Succulent Savage said:
That’s awesome!!! ♥ How’d it go?
I’m sitting in the lobby of the hotel drinking iced coffee watching a Giants v A’s game. So far Giants are winning… 8th inning. Looks good. 😉
Daddy is sitting next to me reading a magazine and Ruffi at our feet between us. Things feel normal for a little while. First time in weeks. Makes me want to cry. 🙂 Happy tears…