Here I am awake. Deceased Ex-wife’s birthday is today. She would have been 71, had she lived.

Oh well. The sleep is tugging at me. Back to sleep. In the other room, I think. Yeah. Bed.

I was going along minding my own business, hoping my wife would be happy about something. She tells me she has trouble figuring out how to respond to make me happy. This means what?

If I share that I need physical intimacy (aka SEX ), and she has trouble with being sexually attentive, approachable, and vulnerable, then it’s better for me to not express my needs.

It is time to put the mask back on. Stop the naïve optimism. This is what reality looks like.

How often have we heard that communication between spouses is of utmost importance?

Well it’s true. Then again. I have nothing to say any more.

Just not worth it.

After a period of doing than usual stuff, shower,AA, visiting S, my AA sponsee, late lunch w J (Cracker Barrel), I decided I needed a nap. Truth be told, I am exhausted, probably from trying to keep J happy.

So I lay down and slept on and off. I might lay down some more and sleep some more. There is physical exhaustion present, emotional burn-out too.

J tells me she is down now. And I think it’s my fault. Cognitively I know that’s nonsense. J needs no help from me in making herself miserable.

I believe the best advice, for me right now, is to watch Popeye cartoons and let J be “down” till she isn’t any longer.

I have been awake about two hours. I have watched two trains, #98 and #86, pass through Ashland. I made some coffee, heated a croissant, and read some blog posts. Now I’m watching two English ladies go “mudlarking” on a beach in Yorkshire, I think.

I’m settling in, preparing to go back to bed. The magic of early morning has worn off. My erotic imagination is returning. Stay tuned.

C, #2 son, in addition to Asperger’s Syndrome, has Oppositional Defiant Disorder. He will challenge pretty much anything one says to him. If I told him the sky is blue on a cloudless, sunny day, he would challenge me.

So when I told him the uneven surface of his front porch represents a trip hazard and he could be held legally liable for bodily injuries in the event of an accident, I get a multiplicity of arguments from him. He just needs to correct the situation. Exhausting.

Now, I am calming down so I can sleep. But these little episodes underscore the absence of emotional nurturing in my life. J is angry with C also. So I get concerned with her upset. I don’t feel cared for.

Just have to suck it up. Then figure out a way to talk to J about this need being met. I say this because when I express my needs, she acts hurt and guilty for her shortcomings, with no change on her part.

Night all.

I am awake. I slept three hours. I saw my psychiatrist on Monday, told him I was doing really well, and, for that moment, that was the truth.

Now, I’m not so sure. I have been awake about ninety minutes. I have some body pain. I want to cry. J is asleep. I am watching a Russian who does videos on YouTube, Marina Morlock. She is a chatterbox, but she smiles a lot. And wears red lipstick. What’s not to love? She sounds like Natasha from the old Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoons.

Right now she is showing us Russian women’s underwear, modeling as best she can while holding her Smartphone. Her camerawork is dizzying, at times

Changing the subject, l should have been a plumber. Everybody told me I was smart and should go to college, which I did. My advice to everyone, learn a trade. Forget college.

Every negative thought I have ever had or felt about every human being whoever lived is coming into my consciousness right now, including myself.

I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but I do. Going to try another nap.

It isn’t as if most days aren’t all about me. C’mon now. But Sunday was about brunch and visiting with C, yesterday was a doctor visit, shopping, cooking, and writing. So today, I’m not going anywhere, except a meeting and the Y. And I will sit, maybe write, fix homemade macaroni and cheese, and do nothing more strenuous than that stuff.

I was particularly pleased with the eye round I fixed last night.   Dinner was well-received. Today, who knows what I will fix. I did buy a two pound bag of Brussels sprouts. They taste great sauteed. Maybe with some roasted chicken breasts and brown rice.

More later.

Later:

It is 0614. I hear the train horn for Amtrak #86, Northbound, all the way To New York City. The lights are a geometric kaleidoscope on the Virtual Railfan camera lens. More rain. Stay in.

J is taking her shower. Will she work longer than the hours for which she is scheduled? Who knows?

I decided a roast chicken is a good dinner choice with stuffing and mashed potstoes. Maybe buy some dinner rolls. I

I need a good massage.