At dinner tonight, J told me about a Joan Crawford movie from 1969 that she wanted to see, that we could watch together.

I told her that Joan Crawford movies, particular her later horror, schlock movies give me the creeps. I’m peculiar that way. So I said “NO”,

Big Victory.

In September 2010, shortly after coming into The Church, J and I did Marriage Encounter. We wrote in our notebooks, did the exercises, wrote the “love letters”. I was going through a drawer and found all that stuff that I had saved. I had planned to throw it out. Then I read what J wrote to me. And I could not toss them, at least not just yet. But it is painful to consider that lack of communication in our marriage. One cannot talk when one is asleep.

I’m watching Popeyes Cartoons from 1934-35 again. The propriety police have advised me about racist and sexist stereotypes that are depicted these cartoons.

Maybe so, but when Popeye eats his spinach the music gets real upbeat and justice triumphs. So I feel better. Popeye will knock the stuffing out of Bluto and the world is set a right once more. And the music….

The music is wonderful. Beautiful arrangements, performed by violinists, saxophonists, flautists, and other real musicians. No cheesy synthesizers.

And it is wonderful pretend.

Put off laundry for too damn long

Have extra large load of denim in the washer.

Change to Standard Time means it will be 2:00 AM twice.

Why can’t we do this every night?

I don’t know quite what to say. I am tired, mentally and physically. I had a lovely luncheon at my son and daughter-in-law’s house on Church Hill. This is the neighborhood where my parents grew up, courted each other and were married, seventy-five years ago. While sitting in the dining room of this lovely old (1896) row house, I had the odd feeling I had been there before. So did my sister and brother. We were all three familiar with this neighborhood from 60+ years ago. We flew kites with Dad and our Uncle Ed in the adjacent park, Chimborazo Park, when we were children. It was the odd feeling of being at home in a completely unfamiliar place.

We had a lovely time, talking and eating barbeque, collards, cole slaw. Southern stuff. But we’re Southerners and not merely Southerners, but Virginians, the most annoying Southerners of all.

The memories and anecdotes came to mind. We remembered the stock of family eccentrics, like Merle and Earl, Daddy’s cousins. They were rather affable bootleggers, who made. moonshine, because they knew how and didn’t see why they shouldn’t. They were pursued by the same revenue agents for years, were eventually caught, and did time. They finally got real jobs and went straight. Before they died, they had a reunion, an amicable reunion, with the revenue agents who sent them to jail. That kind of stuff did take place.

I don’t want to make a Civil War post. After seeing the sites, and processing what happened with an adult mind, it is too horrible to talk about The Civil War. The cemeteries filled with unknown dead, old daguerrotypes showing piles of amputated limbs, the stories of privation and loss handed down over not that many generations are the heritage of the Civil War, none of that Gone With The Wind Hollywood crap.

The old Church Hill neighborhood is not completely gentrified. The African -Americans who replaced my parents generation still live in the community. I suspect it’s a pretty nice community, but the trend to gentrification bids the real estate through the roof. We’ve found a pleasant and affordable niche. We’re too comfortable to go anywhere.

The machines got smaller to go everywhere. Then they hooked up with the big machines.

We point the little boxes at what we want to see as we create reality for just ourselves.

And a world is lost, ’cause what we want to see, is us,

Today is All Saints Day, a Holy Day of Obligation. It is now 5:20 AM. Mass at St Benedict is at 8:45 AM. I need to stay awake for another three hours, then drive down to Church. There is some flexibility should I fall back asleep.

I had a dream last night where my late ex-wife was keeping the apartment neat and tidy while I worked. That actually happened when we cohabitated before we were married. Tomorrow will be the fourth anniversary of her passing. Years before she died, she expressed a desire never to see or speak to me again. It haunts me to this day.

I feel this sadness that never seems to end, when I think about it. I guess it always will. I changed when I got sober. I had major self-esteem issues that took years to work through. I’m still working on them. I feel generally worthless when I compare myself to her and her family.

Oh well.

Got my third T or T’er. Cute kid. 2 pieces chocolate candy went into his little plastic pumpkin.

I had my first 2 Trick or Treaters. I went to the door barefoot. They were surprised by that. They were two adorable little girls. I would have given them and their parents a trip to Disney World, had they asked.

I awoke around midnight and learned that the Nationals won the World Series. I had fallen asleep again to Kenneth Clark’s Civilisation. Francesco Bernadone (St Francis of Assisi) Giotto and Dante were among the people Ken discussed. Thus inspired, I ventured downstairs and picked up my copy of The Inferno, and resumed reading at Canto 21. I felt as if I had returned home (not to Hell), but to the world of serious reading and scholarship. What we modernista are doing, by neglecting these worka are starving our souls.

The coffee tastes good, every decaffeinated sip. The early morning hours, empty of the jackals’ howls, offer serenity.

I will go back upstairs shortly, perhaps sleep alone, perhaps climb back in the big bed with J.

When dawn comes, I hope to give some hours to throwing away and donating, resuming the tidying, begun in late Summer. The truth is that the clutter has me blocked emotionally. It is a metaphorical obesity, from which, for me, the other arises.

It takes work to create and carve our earthly homes. If we do not define our spaces, others will. It is as if my mother still dresses me, like I was an eternal toddler. I am no longer in love with old newspapers, and carpets filled with grit and crumbs.

I have enough. Throw it away. It won’t be missed. I will not give Amazon any more of my money to fill my emptiness.

Beauty beckons.