After dinner I went to the Y to swim. Swimming felt good. The water was a nice cool temperature for lap swimming. I was slower yesterday, with theology on my mind. Little questions like Why the Incarnation, Why The Crucifixion, Why the Fatima Apparitions? ( I believe them to be true) I got to 1650 meters when a thunderstorm closed the pool.

When I got home around 9:45 PM,I fixed J some new chicken salad, (all white meat chicken, and diced red delicious apple with raisins, almonds, and celery. I then sliced her strawberries. I sat down with some brewed decaf to watch …something, anything on YouTube. Around 11:45 I said to myself, “Better get to bed.” This would be my first night back to sleeping nude. Only I didn’t sleep. My pinched nerve arm was bothering me. So I got up, got dressed and here I am two and a half hours later, thinking, “Maybe now I can sleep“

I have come to the conclusion that my first wife never really loved me. I suspect that she lacked the capacity to love a man completely. That her concept of love lacks any sense of permanence, except for the Love she feels for her children.

All of those memories of first love stay with me. But now comes the suspicion that that was all felt by me alone. That there never was an “us”. We somehow believe the stories we tell ourselves about the world and love and how it’s all supposed to work out. We buy the stuff to outfit our lives: cars, clothes, food, houses. But none of this can fill or satisfy this fundamental emptiness. Those of use who are really lost try to fill the emptiness with alcohol or drugs, gambling. promiscuous sex. Those don’t work either.

I had been going through life thinking I somehow was responsible for the failure of my first marriage. Now I am not so sure. That leads me to my second marriage and its failure, and my current and final (hopefully) marriage. J and I, despite our frustrations and shortcomings, really love each other.

J had work starting at 4:30 AM. She wakes up. I wake up. I got to bed before 11:00 last night. Still four hours sleep isn’t enough.

Right now I would like to go back to sleep, but I am also stimulated by all that is happening in my world Right now Train #86 is stopping in Ashland on Virtual Railfan LLC. I’ve read blog posts from my blogosphere buddies. I wouldn’t mind having a cup of coffee. I miss my wife.

I sit here. I’m thinking about sleeping again. I brushed my teeth, took my medicines and vitamins. I ate some food. I can barely stay awake. I think of couples in love with each other and have sex.

I have decided to watch Fritz Lang’s silent classic Metropolis. I have the 2008 restored version. It seems more timely than ever, an early dystopian classic. The themes are humans dehumanized and brutalized by technology, and a vicious system of class stratification and oppression.

This predates the work of Huxley and Orwell. It is a stunning declaration for human freedom and dignity. Its challenges to the merits of science and technology remain to this day.

I fell asleep the first time while J started a video on an Indian restaurant in France. I couldn’t watch it because I had to contort my body into an uncomfortable position in order to do so. I listened and fell asleep. After a couple of hours I was awake, went downstairs, then came back up, put in a Seinfeld DVD from Season 6 that starts with The Jimmy. I remember that episode and the one that followed, The Doodle. I was up again around 0200 Hrs. I couldn’t get back to sleep, mind just working away on stuff, so I dressed, went downstairs to brew some decaf and watch YouTube videos.There is an interesting sound film of Kyoto Japan from 1929 playing. Girls are singing before a statue of The Buddha.

At this point I have yet to drink any coffee. I am fraught with guilt for “wasting food”. You are never too old to let parental messages of guidance from your childhood, kill off a good time, as if wasting maybe fifty cents worth of ground coffee will disrupt the economic equilibrium of the household.

OK time for the coffee. Had the coffee and a quesadilla. Now I am getting really sleepy. I think I am close to going back to bed.

I got up around 0300 hrs. I was awake while J got ready for work. I stayed awake for awhile then went back to bed around 0800 hrs, slept soundly. Then I got up, showered, and put on clean clothes, my 501 jeans and my Cienfuegos Elefantes tee shirt from Ebbetts Field Flannels. It’s a Cuban League baseball team.

I have a psychiatric appointment this afternoon. Maybe it’s time to look at my depression meds to see if they’re doing the job.

All in all, life is good.

I started a puff piece in Finance about Twitter founder Jack Dorsey, who according to the title could “save or break Western Democracy”. Really? You mean like Lincoln or Churchill saved their countries at their darkest hours? By doing what, shadow banning? Hiring more Marxist slugs to monitor people they don’t like? Jack Dorsey is forty-fucking-two. He lives a life of absolute privilege and he’s gonna save Western Democracy? Oh please.

“Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American People.”- H.L. Mencken