How do I articulate my loneliness, without leaving my house, to my wife, my partner who sleeps, who cringes at any sudden move or disturbance of the space?
The night almost alwsys features a period of wakefulness for me. I become more and more alert. I use this time to read or enjoy the silence while I drink my decaffeinated coffee. Then I think again about my sleeping wife, with her worries about me.
Pleasure between spouses is not her “language”, to use a current metaphor. She chooses worry over fellatio and cunnilingus. Did she ever surrender to anyone, besides Jesus, in the baptismal pool at some long forgotten church?
Will I ever know?
It is going to take every fiber of my being to dispose of the accumulated chaos in this house, to make it a home.
God I’m lonely. That is a prayer.