I learned just how lonely I am. I had this realization sitting in the AA meeting that I need to connect with people. I can’t do this at home reading or watching sports, porn, and YouTube.
Actually I saw my porn viewing today, as directly related to my loneliness, I watch three particular videos over and over of the same couple making love, having sex, or whatever it is they re doing when they’re going to town. Not that it matters, but they are lesbian. They look like regular people, no fake tits or impossibly small asses. In my fantasy, they are a real-life couple and they really are in love. How they make love is how I want to connect with J, minus the strapon, fully, completely, and surrendered. Both of us surrendered, to each other.
The pain of loneliness hit me like a ton of bricks this weekend. I need people, much as I like to think I don’t.
Dispatches From Dystopia 
You know sometimes i want to hold you. And as i say that, i remember one time meeting this mans eyes, and what i saw there made me stop. i had no idea who he was. We were just standing in a hospital waiting room. i wrapped my arms around him and he all but immediately collapsed into wailing, from his soul. i just held him hard, close, until he was calm and ready. He told me his name, then. i can’t remember that, but his eyes are seared in. That is what i wish i could do with you, actually. which is sincerely weird, even for me. In a world that has told you to NOT feel, and definitely don’t SPEAK them the whole of your life, you are defiant and say your truth here. That is so brave. And it deserves more than these words, but let me assure you, you deserve.
Thank you Jade. My fear is that speaking up for my needs with J just means feeling even more invalidated afterwards, a real jam.
Yes. i know that. Of course, i know that. In this case, it seems like a very realistic fear. But at least you spoke up for yourself and were honest. If she is never going to provide for you as a wife, which is a part of the faith i might add, then she needs to let you find someone for those thing.