I learned just how lonely I am. I had this realization sitting in the AA meeting that I need to connect with people. I can’t do this at home reading or watching sports, porn, and YouTube.

Actually I saw my porn viewing today, as directly related to my loneliness, I watch three particular videos over and over of the same couple making love, having sex, or whatever it is they re doing when they’re going to town. Not that it matters, but they are lesbian. They look like regular people, no fake tits or impossibly small asses. In my fantasy, they are a real-life couple and they really are in love. How they make love is how I want to connect with J, minus the strapon, fully, completely, and surrendered. Both of us surrendered, to each other.

The pain of loneliness hit me like a ton of bricks this weekend. I need people, much as I like to think I don’t.