I did have the first of what I hope will be many conversations with J about the state of the house. She acted really hurt when I expressed my frustration around cleaning up over a decade of clutter and mess. The Brat/Little Model is something she doesn’t see nor will I bring up any time soon. She had a deep cry and I felt bad about being a hard ass. But I have expressed my self for a long time. This will take some practice.
Jade asked a good question about love languages. I fully get that her working is an expression of love, her love language, if you will. Doing the housework at more intensive level makes me aware of my physical limits, so working a “real job” isn’t going to happen soon.
Progress though. Real love felt.
Dispatches From Dystopia 
One of the hardest things to do is to push through her hurt feelings because you have a greater goal in mind. The clutter is always about something else and I think you figured out what. It’s important that you both have shared goals.
Yeah, she is very protective of herself. She likes to say she is a “very private person”, her words. Whatever I said yesterday, I hit some vulnerabilities.
i am a very private person in very ,very many ways. Frankly, just the blog is my uncensored part of me. i know when there have been times i knew i literally could not do one more thing and felt criticized, it made me think the other person had NO IDEA how much work i was actually doing. That being said, i was working High Adulting jobs, had an infant and toddler i was taking care of alone, and was in school full time at the same time. i also kept a very clean house. It was very, very cluttered, because my mother had major hoarding tendencies. i was absolutely unable to figure out a system for how to deal with/get rid of clutter as an adult because i wasn’t allowed to get rid of my mother’s horse shit that took over EVERYTHING. i could be super organized for work, or if i controlled the system in a known environment (my classrooms). i had no idea how to deal with paperwork and get very anxious around it. i know when i’m mega stressed now because the “stuff” gets to me big time.
Your sharing that helps me understand her. She feels like she has to do everyrhing herself. I have to do my part and not hoard my self.
Yes. i definitely feel personally responsible for anything that is not perfect in the home. i felt that way when i lived with my mother, the hoarder, too. Papers in particular were something my mother hoarded, something that causes me great anxiety,, because if a single paper got moved she could fly into a rage. If i didn’t manage to hide her crap all over the house when she was ready to have things moved, my fault. With two people with hoarding, they enable and blame each other, and its really important to directly tell her what your goals are and that you are on the same team. Acknowledge parts are your fault, if you wish. The important thing is to not let her feelings get in your way for this. You both benefit in the long term.
And…i managed to loose your email. So you can email me if you want. i am going to try and remember to send you in the direction of a blog.