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Firstly, I was unaware of the Daddy/little girl dynamic at work until about a week ago. What I was aware of was the behavior of her in regard to not doing any work around the house, hoarding, allowing messes to persist, offering excuses about being “tired” at the end of the work day, not putting clothes in her dresser drawers, et cetera, ad nauseam. I would cook so she didn’t have to; my ego needed the praise for my cooking,
So I “enabled” a lot of bad behavior, the kind of behavior you see in a twelve year old who won’t clean her room. I can’t let her get away with this behavior anymore. That means I have to be assertive. That runs counter to my normal easy-going, non-confrontational persona. Yikes.
She has two trump cards, bullet proof excuses. 1) She is tired after work. 2) She has a kidney stone working its way out. These excuses won’t “cut it” any more. I cannot live in a mess.
I was unwilling to acknowledge that this mess of a house is a BIG deal. I never viewed it as disrespect towards me. This was possible when I didn’t view myself as worthy of, deserving of and needing respect.
This is about my self-perception changing.
Dispatches From Dystopia 
Hopefully she realizes that you are both worth having a functional home that you have dreams for again
This is the exciting part. Our building something together
Yes!! And its going to be really, really important to her little girl heart that you acknowledge how you feel. She is going to have to learn how to trust you again, and that is going to be impossible if you lie about how you feel. It may also really help for you to point out that you want to create spaces for her things, like you said. A spot for just her where she can do what feels right to her.
She has some craft things I just might “re-locate” from various places. I’ve cleaned it, but she isn’t “owning” it yet.
You might have to directly point out what you are doing, that you are making a spot just for her to enjoy. Maybe she could choose how she wants to organize her space, with your guidance? Maybe you could suggest getting something new for the house when another room gets decluttered and cleaned.
Good ideas. I mentioned the table set aside for her stuff. She was luke warm, I’m thinking she has never been encouraged to have fun,
It is very intimidating, very vulnerable to learn how to play. Sometimes it is easier to start with things that have an obvious goal (puzzles, games, coloring books).
She also was never allowed to be herself, express her self in her ways. She had to buy her clothes at Sears, for God sake. Her parents wanted her to take up a musical instrument. Rather than ask her what instrument she would like to learn, they got her an…..accordion! She is embarrassed to talk about it.
Yeah. So sad. What musical instrument does she want to play? Its never too late. We shopped at Sears, the outlet kind. i literally wore prarie dresses until high school.
The clothes thing really challenged her self-perception. Her parents weren’t poor. They just saved a lot and she was an Army brat. Part of the problem is she knew her folks were doing the best they could. I met them late in their lives and they were lovely people. Still when a teenage girl can’t be herself, the “good” parts of her parents tend to be diminished.
I need to go check on her around dinner. Check you later.
My mother was just a viscous bitch. I was taught to like what she likes only. I still don’t know what I like in some ways and I feared that I had bad taste. I dont. At all. I was just underexposed
i know from having a few older friends (Middles, they are called) that identify more as teens ….they seems to need places to have privacy and tantrums. i’m not a brat, i enjoy being a good girl. i don’t enjoy spanks. 😦
Spanking her for being a “bad girl” would not work. I put that notion aside
i imagine its tempting for you. You know her best. You have to do what is right/works.
My email is dvjan21@yahoo.com.