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Intimacy. Am I crazy or is emotional intimacy (closeness) tied up with physical intimacy (sex) for any of y’all?
I don’t feel close to my wife emotionally because we aren’t physically intimate (have sex). We are friendly, even loving (platonically) and it’s not bad. But marriage should be many, many steps above “Not Bad”. This needs to get communicated to her,I know. And the building blocks to trust need some mortar, if you catch my drift.
Thanks, friends.
Dispatches From Dystopia 
Not crazy at all.
For me, the deepest experience I have of my wife’s love for me is found (most especially) in the physical act of love. I think this is more a male than female thing; that doesn’t mean it is any less valid because of that.
There is a saying in mental health groups: men have sex to FEEL close. women have sex when they ALREADY feel close and trusting. It isn’t fair, it is hugely vulnerable and brave-i think you have to go first, friend. Remind her she is beautiful, over and over until you see she believes you. It is natural to want to share deeper intimacy then. (Me personally, i also have a total disconnect and would also be able to fuck for fun, had i ever been able to).
Thank you. That observation rings true.
Also: we ladies go through absolute HELL in our society for our looks. Esp us smart girls.
I have picked up on that too.
Emotional and physical intimacy are two completely separate things that when out together are fantastic. But I know they aren’t always able to connect….for many reasons.
I think it’s brave of you to want yo change things. I remember in therapy after years of my husband saying “he was happy, everything was great” he finally admitted that he was miserable too. It didn’t matter. We we’re destined to divorce but I don’t wish that for you. I hope you can find a place where you are both more satisfied. 🤗
We’re committed. We’ve gone through too much together to give up.
I love that sentiment. Devotion seems to be a lost art nowadays
Sex is the superglue of a romantic relationships in many ways. I’m going to try to explain what’s in my head. Bare with me, please.
When I feel distant from Daddy in any way, sex will bring that closeness back. It relieves stress and insecurity between us. When we have sex regularly it keeps things running smoother in all areas. There is an increase in the bond between us. For us girls it’s the oxytocin released during sex. Our bonding hormone. We get along better and our partnership is visible in every aspect of our lives. Physical intimacy in the form of sex isn’t the only way to bring that bond and intimacy back. Kissing, cuddling, petting, those quiet moments with pillow talk and the like shared by lovers. When all of these are lacking, it’s nearly impossible to feel close to you partner. These are the things which separate friends from lovers.
I’ve never been in a relationship where our sex life has been totally lacking. There was a period with Daddy that things were bordering on non-existent and our relationship seriously suffered. He was having performance issues for the first time and was ashamed to talk about it and avoided sexual contact altogether for fear He wouldn’t be able to perform. Eventually, I was so hurt and depressed that I approached Him in tears and anger that I felt unwanted, unattractive and worst of all… alone. I’d lost my lover in lieu of a friend who slept in my bed. I cried and told Him how hurt and afraid I was. I also made it clear that I could not live like that. I was willing to work with Him, but He couldn’t shut me out.
We took the pressure off and started with make out sessions like teenagers and cuddle time in front of the TV. Little things. We went back to the beginning… we started courting again. We both put the effort in to have the relationship we wanted.
It took a ton of pain and vulnerability on both sides to talk about the issues and how much it hurt us both. It was worth it. Sorry my response is so long….