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Some of you may wonder about the title of this blog Celibate or Chaste?. It refers to the fact that my marriage has been without a sexual component for nearly 13 years. Crazy. During this time, my adult son moved back in with us for 2 years; my younger son finished high school; we have lost parents and other dear family members; I’ve undergone 2 major orthopedic surgeries; she has had lithotripsy for kidney stones; I’ve celebrated 21 years of sobriety. We both entered the Roman Catholic Church. In other words, life went by us.
What I have been is a sneaky little bastard who never quite got the knack of communicating how and what I feel to the person who loves me the most. Until today. I told her about my sexual frustration. The miracle of this communication breakthrough was finding a context for communication that 1) would not blame her and 2) show a correlation between my frustration and my behavior. That miracle occurred earlier this week. I looked at a Facebook post that I found insulting and went ballistic. The angry part of my personality is an aspect she is more than familiar with and quite frightened by. So when I said to myself, “This anger is your sexual frustration that you have repressed all these years.”, I knew I had an opening and a context.
This morning, I shared this rather large nugget about me with her. And a world opened up. She put her head on my shoulder and just rested a bit. That felt great.
Now I know life and our marriage will not become rainbows, lollipops, puppies and balloons by this. It might not turn into a passionate nonstop sex romp, but I won’t rule it out. But it is out there, the truth. One good part is, I don’t have to get angry at total strangers or FB nonsense to express my frustration. That frustration’s grip over me has also disappeared. For now at least.
I have used this blog to share who I am with you wonderful people. I have read your stories. In some respects, we are different, but at our cores we are all human. Thanks guys.
I only recently found your blog, but this post is fantastic! Communication is such a crucial, and sometimes most difficult, aspect to a relationship. Sending you good thoughts and smiling for you!
No kidding. There is a fear of rejection, no matter whom you need to communicate with or whatever it is you want to say. And that just makes the gap between you broader.
Good for you -and for her. It takes a lot of courage to start talking about how you feel, and i’m impressed that you were able to do it. Hoping this leads to some new closeness, but whether it does or not, good for you for taking the risk.
Murphy’s Law of Relationships applies. “Every breakthrough in communication is followed by one partner getting a nasty cold.”
THAT is almost kind of funny. And probably true. 🙂
Yep.