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Dispatches From Dystopia

~ "What man by worrying can add one cubit to his span of years?"

Dispatches From Dystopia

Category Archives: Relationships

Another Night. Another Rant.

25 Friday May 2018

Posted by David in Family, Relationships

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

#Blended Families, #Incompleteness

She is upstairs, watching a chic-flick. I am downstairs, watching women’s college softball. We had a pretty good day together, had lunch, went to a thrift shop, and found a cool book on the collections in the Hermitage Gallery near St Petersburg. Then home. And a nap. And waking up. Then the dread emptiness I feel that we have no passion, an old age approaching with a void, waiting to die.

I texted with #2 son. His birthday is next Friday and he will be 30. Neither of my sons are her children. So I feel like there is very little glue to my “family”. The sons have different mothers. #2 son’s mom is deceased. The bond comes from my sister who is incredibly close to her nephews. The family gatherings at her house are special to me.

MrsCorC?, I fear, likes this jumble and junkpile of a house. It keeps my children away from her. She wants me for herself. And there is no energy, unless we are going somewhere. anywhere.

Early Morning

15 Tuesday May 2018

Posted by David in Relationships

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I think back on this day. All that comes to mind is how I struggled to fall sleep as my wife watched, enthralled, Antiques Road Show. I could just vomit.

Brisket On A May Evening.

09 Wednesday May 2018

Posted by David in cooking, Relationships

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Tags

#Brisket, #Corn, #Lavender

Sunday I went by Food Lion to get something I didn’t really need and serendipitously found a good deal on a fresh, not corned, beef brisket. Yee Ha! I can use that killer brisket recipe I found on the BettyCrocker.com website. It is cooked in a slow cooker. The trick is it uses a fantastic brown sugar spice rub to coat the meat.. Take 3 tbs brown sugar, cumin, chili powder, celery salt, garlic powder, any other stuff you think might be yummy together and rub it on the brisket.

The original recipe called for ketchup as the basis for a barbecue sauce. Well, doggone it, I was out of ketchup, so I substituted a can of diced tomatoes, added a chopped onion, 1 tbs Worcestershire sauce and about 3/4 cup water. I put the slow cooker on the low setting and let it cook for 5-6 hours, (Hint: use your meat thermometer to gauge you preferred degree of doneness.) Not using ketchup, I decided to “deep six” the idea of a sauce altogether. I just ladled the tomato/onion/cooking liquid over the sliced meat.

I made a salad with romaine, fresh mandarin orange slices, diced cucumber and alfalfa sprouts. I added some dried dill weed, tarragon, poppy seeds and lavender. I made a salad dressing from lemon juice and canola oil, mixed it well to make an emulsion and poured it over the green and orange stuff. Finally I added toasted slivered almonds and parmesan cheese (from the shaker can, think Kraft). I tossed it real good. The lavender accents in the salad are sublime.

The last part of this meal was roasted corn on the cob. I husk the corn, wrap in parchment and cook at 325°F for about 30-45 min. I use the convection setting on my oven. This method is so much better than cooking the corn in boiling water and the clean-up is much easier.

Tomorrow I will be fixing a black bean & corn salad. I will also fix another black bean salad, but substitute quinoa for corn.

As I said the other day cooking is very erotic. It is life-affirming, in my opinion. There have been so many beautiful moments in my life centered around a dining table. And new meals create new memories. Some meals are focused around recapturing the past, like Thanksgiving dinner, or a Passover Seder. Other meals thrive on their novelty. Sometimes not trying to recapture an old memory opens the space for fresh experiences and enriching deep relationships.

It is good to be alive.

Short Post

04 Friday May 2018

Posted by David in Family, Relationships, Tolerance

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Last night’s post The Truth really opened up some space for me. Telling the truth about my loss and my feelings are helping me work through this horrific experience.

Growing up in a political family, I learned to take political disagreement with a grain of salt. So when I encounter inflexible and hateful ideologues in the real world, I don’t know how to deal with them.

So I still want everybody in the Whole Wide World to love me for the lovable old curmudgeon that I am, just as I love pretty much all comers.

We went from day time highs of mid sixties to lower nineties within a day of each other, it seems.

Had the ball joints replaced in the ’98 Mercury Grand Marquis, my Dad’s (Junior) old car. I want it to run forever

The Truth

04 Friday May 2018

Posted by David in Politics, Relationships, Sexual Identity

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I have been hiding out for about ten weeks. The Lenten sabbatical worked well, but not posting frequently when Ascension Day is one week away requires an explanation.

Here It Is

About ten weeks ago, a man whom I counted as a friend for thirtynine years ended our friendship because I told him that I really didn’t care what Donald Trump says or tweets. I still don’t. For someone who has followed politics since I was thirteen, this is a radical departure. Truth is I am burned out.

When that friendship ended, part of me died. I had deluded myself into thinking friendships are some sort of indisolvable bond. They are not. After two failed marriages, I should have known better. So my enthusiasm for life has faded. Maybe it will return.

I can no longer fly “under the radar”, pretending that adultery doesn’t contradict my values. The fact that many of the blogs I follow are from bloggers in sexually unconventional arrangement may seem hypocritical on my part. Maybe it is. But by now, after a couple of years of reading, I’m rather engaged by the narratives.

So I’m a hypocrite. At least I won’t die of loneliness.

Approval/Disapproval

06 Tuesday Feb 2018

Posted by David in Politics, Relationships, Tolerance

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

#Openness. #Tolerance

How do we listen? What filters do we have activated at all times? When we hear or read something that raises our hackles, are we quick to decry what bothers or offends us, then dismiss the speaker or author as undeserving of our attention and respect? Do we consider a point of view that disturbs us to be as valid as our own? The person holding such a view may be unable to consider any other option. For example, a person may base a prejudice on a fear. That fear, unless dealt with constructively and lovingly, will continue to shape a viewpoint until the person holding that viewpoint abandons it. We can’t change the way other people think. Only those “other people” can change their way of thinking. Do we help or hinder that process by the way we react? Then again, maybe we are the ones where the change needs to occur. It is a disturbing paradox that our intolerance of intolerance may be precisely what perpetuates such intolerance.

Where did we learn to think the way that we think? If we consider ourselves open-minded, are we even aware when or how often we close our minds?

Hanging out with outlaws and outcasts is no big deal anymore. How do we assess the respectable people of this world? Do we give the full measure of respect to the worthy bourgeoisie whose tithes to the church where the AA group meets do more to keep the doors open than our relatively paltry rent does?

Contemplate how and why you determine a person’s worthiness.

Happy New Year

01 Monday Jan 2018

Posted by David in Family, Relationships

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

New Year's Greetings

To all my Word Press friends, I am sitting down, watching The Rose Parade, as my house warms from the busy oven. Happy New Year.

If my blogging has taught anything, it’s that people committed to respect and community can get along just fine, no matter what descriptors they choose to characterize themselves.

I love you all. Thank you for reading my blog and being my cyber-neighbors.

Sick Of It All

14 Tuesday Nov 2017

Posted by David in Love and stuff, Relationships, Sexuality

≈ 1 Comment

I won’t gloss this over. I feel an enormous sense of shame for being a man, for having sexual feeling toward women. Just to want a physical relationship with a female puts one at risk. That feeling of mutual sexual attraction can lose that mutuality in a matter of minutes. And then? Acting on that attraction becomes a criminal act. It is not worth the trouble or the risk,

I will readily exclude  the predators from possessing any healthy sexual desires, men like  Harvey Weinstein, Bill Cosby, Bill Clinton to name three. Pick your own. Each generation gives us a new Tartuffe. Anybody remember Jimmy Swaggert? 

Celibacy is a defensive necessity. Chastity, to disengage from the sexual rat race, to escape the sexual maelstrom, is appealing as a liberation from this hollow intimacy.

So it is farewell. Erotic love is dead. It is an illusion. It demands vulnerability and vulnerability begets betrayal. No thank you. 

Growing Up

11 Wednesday Oct 2017

Posted by David in Love and stuff, Relationships

≈ Leave a comment

Is it too much to ask to be loved by EVERYONE, always and forever?

Yes. As a matter of fact, it is. Impossible.  Part of growing up is coming to this realization. That doesn’t means one’s life will be devoid of love. That also doesn’t give one license to be mean or petty or vengeful.  It just means that the narcissism that clouds our perception of the world has lost a bit of its grip.

Welcome to Adulthood.

Waiting For The Fog To Lift

16 Saturday Sep 2017

Posted by David in Relationships, Sexuality

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

#A.N.Roquelaure

Actually, it is a lovely late summer day, only a few days away from the Autumnal Equinox.  There is no real fog. But in my head, it’s another matter. I’m engaged in the mental wrestling match, pitting Desire against Inhibition.  I realize that my fear of rejection has me keep silent in the agonizing climate of sexual negativity inside my marriage. If I state my needs, her issues will be expressed and they will override what my desires are.  This sucks.

And my usual outlets, based on a rich fantasy life and the accompanying auto-erotic self-stimulation, don’t work any more.  Those outlets are about self-centeredness and only exacerbate the loneliness.

 There are only so many games to watch on TV, laps to swim, and cold showers to take.  I’m giving Anne Rice’s Beauty‘s Kingdom another read-through, seeking some respite in the sumptuous, but implausible, decadence. 

Would I walk away from my world and my values, just to feel better or different right now? Stay tuned.

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