It is another morning, early. I tried to fall asleep, but could not. The lie I tell myself that things are not all that important, is shown for what it is. I am the person who trivializes the importance of people and institutions, because I see myself as impotent to change things. Therefore I neither challenge nor engage. Marriage, politics, sex, religion, sports are merely horses on the carousel of my consciousness. They whirl around, with me mounted on one or the other. The move up and down as they rotate on the axis. There is motion , I think I am going somewhere, but the experience is like swimming laps. I finish in the same place I started.

I did try to sleep. But J snores in between nightmares. And my brain is still focused on one thing or another. Pain in my jaw or shoulder or neck will remind me of my limitations.

So I come back down. I watch the Ashland scene, thinking a freight may pass. Perhaps I should switch to England where the sun is up. There was a town on the Devonshire coast that had a railcam set up. Maybe the Blackpool trams are running. Put I am gradually dozing off.

I will make the effort to leave the house in the morning. But wait, New Zealand and India play tomorrow morning, later this morning really, in the first semifinal match. I must go out. Reality is losing to cable TV and satellites and images on a screen.

Yes. I am sleepy now. I Love Lucy is no longer playing on the DVD. This could be my big chance.

Loneliness sucks.