They took monumental statuary away because certain people opined that they were racist.

It is censorship. After 100 plus years, when the Civil Rights Movement reshaped the entire South, all with the presence of the Confederate Statuary. , the monuments have been removed. I am angry. Have been ever since .

I’m hurting. I need to have my degraded hip joint replaced by a prosthetic hip joint.

In the meantime, painkillers help.

I awoke a second time today, wondering where the heck I was and why I had so little to show for my life.

Then I looked at what I did accomplish and acknowledged my paucity of results was a direct reflection of my fundamental conflict with the values of the culture and decided it wasn’t so bad after all.

My wife is jealous of Audrey Hepburn. Makes no sense.

What can I say?

This memory goes back a long time, or what seems far away, when AIDS was a new and terrifying phenomenon. And my friend Charles, a successful hairstylist in DC’s Georgetown was just diagnosed. It would be the last time I saw him. He was weak and open for good byes.

I greeted him, took his hand, looked into his eyes. There wasn’t much left to say, except to get the love I had for him across, expressed through the silent language of the eyes.

We grasp, it seems, at what is shallow, our likes or dislikes, such as what we think of Trump or how deep imagined conspiracies run.

Charles was dying. I needed to let him know I loved him. I hope I succeeded.

I started with Home Shopping Network. They were selling ladies fashions , but I was hardly paying attention. There was a quick peek at baseball, then You Tube and I watched Gutfeld. That was funny and also confirmed that both political parties are playing their second string. Both parties also have an insane fascination with war, that they are the next generation to save the world from insensate evil.

TV has the task of impressing upon us the need to save the world from ourselves. We have had an eighty four year struggle with war, fighting monsters both awesome and petty.

Each edition of the comic book titled Us vs. The Mega Monster, features an enemy lurking out there, ready to loot our Costcos and ravage our maidens, (Relax. They’re using contraception).

I’m jaded.We’re all jaded.

I married this woman on 4 October 1980. The Feast Day of St Francis Of Assisi. That was a Saturday. Alcohol was a major factor in the failure of our marriage.

In November of 2015, she died. At her memorial service , the presiding minister instructed me not to say anything about EAC, per her request. I should direct a statement about my feelings for her in a letter to her siblings. So I was welcome, but unlike all the other attendees, I was to remain silent. So I left.

I never wrote her siblings, nor have I seen them since that day. There is no reason to write or see them.

Now, after nearly ten years, I can say that I have nothing to say to them. Something in me died, when she died.

I may go visit where her ashes are interred, at Mt Auburn Cemetery if I ever go to Boston again. Then again, maybe not.

As ghosts go, EAC is a failure.

Sad, really.

Every time I look at your picture, another piece of my heart breaks away.

It wasn’t just ball players and playwrights who loved you, but this eleven year old boy, who saw into your heart.

You deserved better.

Insomnia. My nemesis. I slept about two hours, then woke up to brush and floss. I have been awake since around 0200 (2:00 AM) I did brush, floss and use my fluoride rinse, went back to bed, and, sort of, tried to sleep..

I got dressed, came downstairs, read a story in my Kindle, then started watching for trains on YouTube.

I fantasise about taking a train to New York, moving there, getting a job, or writing a novel while living off food stamps. I hope Holly Golightly is reimagined, still personified by an ageless and immortal Audrey Hepburn, and I fall in love with her in perpetual 1961.

I know. It’s a dream. Movie characters are never real and we can’t jump into the movie frames to experience cinematic reality, as good, or, as bad, as the real thing.

I am getting sleepy. I think I could go to sleep. Maybe sleep til noon or so. J and I could then go to lunch. I could do all the self care things I ought to be doing, like sleeping.

This is premature, but Father’s Day for me, is shaping up to be a reminder of my failed marriages, and that my sons have different mothers It will be a celebration of my being a father, not of having a family.

My current wife doesn’t have to like my sons, but I was hoping she would put up with them for the duration of a meal on Sunday. So it will be my son Chad and I having lunch together. Maybe Robert can be with Chad and me, but I haven’t heard from him.

So I have these two sons who may or may not both be with me on Father’s Day. My wife will not be joining us. It’s almost a Rubik’s Cube of Domestic Arrangement..

I guess it is what it is. I’m a patriarchal fuck-up. And Father’s Day serves as not as a celebration, but as a reminder of my failures.