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Dispatches From Dystopia

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Dispatches From Dystopia

Category Archives: memoir

Curiosity

14 Tuesday Feb 2017

Posted by David in memoir, Sexual Identity, Suburbia

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"Rated X" Adult films, Film, Porn Stars, Sex

Adult Content

Way back in the early Seventies, a movie was released from Sweden entitled  I Am Curious- Yellow.  Shortly thereafter came its sequel, I Am Curious-Blue. Blue and yellow are the colors in the Swedish flag. Get it? The curiosity centered around sex, naked people having intercourse.  I remember going to the Rose Bowl Drive-in to see it. The Rose Bowl had an incredibly cool sign, red neon roses. The sign was the most memorable aspect of every excursion to the The Rose Bowl.  Watching this “fine” Swedish import was no exception. Viewing Porn was just beginning to go mainstream in the Seventies, for better or for worse.  Visual, cinematic pornography is now ubiquitous.  But in the Seventies, you had to go out of your way to see porn. It was an excursion into some seedy, sketchy places.  Porn still existed on the periphery and  The Rose Bowl sat on that edge.

The Rose Bowl was on Rte 1, the “Number One Highway”, as it was known then.  Near it was the Wigwam Motel, a tourist court of small one room cabins, spaced in a semi-circle around a larger building that served as office and restaurant.  There was a wooden representation of a “tipi”,  that comprised the roof. Hence the name “wigwam” could be justified. Further up Rte 1 was the Jamaica Country Club, a swimming pool for African-Americans in the days of segregation.  Simply put, it was a different world. The Rose Bowl is gone, as is The Wigwam. The Jamaica Country Club remains, at least physically, if not as a business. The area is giving way to suburban commercial encroachment, a Sonic Drive-in, Taco Bell,  Arby’s, several mini-storage places, antique shops galore.

There were other venues for porn back then. A fraternity house would acquire some “stag” films and show them to male collegians, for a fee. They were black and white, silent films with various sex acts (never sexual activity between males, however) depicted. The college boys (yes definitely boys!) would watch and make comments, predictably as juvenile, immature and sexist as the films, location and  context would inspire. I watched, because I was curious. Here was sex depicted, mysterious, daunting, powerful.  The filmmakers were not Henry Millers or Anais Nins or Joyces.  There was no thought to “art” in these grubby, grainy shorts.  Yet they were, in their way, art. The films were forgettable, except for one which featured two women who were having penetrative sex with a double headed dildo.  It must be said that the performers were not silicon- enhanced “stars”, but rather ordinary women, not particularly attractive, not ugly either.

The main location for “X-rated ” films in Richmond in the 70’s and 80’s was a movie house near  Virginia Commonwealth University called the Lee Art Theater, later called the Lee “X” Theater.  The films were from Essex or Caballero and starred Seka, Vanessa del Rio, John Holmes, John Leslie, the usual suspects. I remember going on slow business afternoons, the theater incredibly dark, the smell of Pine-Sol in the air. Occasionally there were “strippers”, usually female porn stars, like Vanessa del Rio, Annie Sprenkle, and Juliet Anderson, aka “Aunt Peg”. I vaguely recall Vanessa being busted for cocaine possession during her visit to Richmond, but I could be mistaken.  She took off her costume to the song She’s A Latin From Manhattan.   Gathering up the pieces of her freshly discarded outfit was “Dirt Woman”, a transgendered individual, notable for his obesity and a  crude similarity to the late Divine (aka Harris Glen Milstead), the John Waters “superstar”.  He did this for all the travelling performers. Annie Sprenkle did her show against a back drop of slides, one of which featured a Renault Le Car.  She was working on her doctorate at this time. The announcer mispronounced her name, calling her Annie “Sprinkles”.  When Juliet Anderson appeared, she stripped down, put on some kind of cover-up, then sat down for a Q & A with the audience. She did ask that the audience members not smoke.  She had a second hand smoke issue.  She shared that the porn business was rough; women had to buy their own underwear. I asked her if her parents knew she was in the adult film business. She said they did.  All in all,  she was representative of everybody’s sexually liberated individual living in San Francisco.  This was before AIDS, before porn was shot direct to video; when adult films were still marginal.  Eventually VCU bought the building and uses it for something other than showing sleazy movies.

With the advent of the VCR, “Adult” cable channels and finally the internet, porn went mainstream and arguably ubiquitous.  Now I have seen it all. I am no longer compelled by a perverse curiosity.  Yet I still yearn for the erotic, for love expressed through sexuality.  The sexual drama lives, as it always has, between my ears.

Catch Up and Cursive

07 Wednesday Sep 2016

Posted by David in Depression, Exercise/ Fitness, memoir

≈ 9 Comments

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cursive writing, fountain pens, swimming

Well it’s been a while. I’d like to say exciting things have happened but mostly I haven’t had the privacy I need to write.  Mrs CorC? has been home with holidays and the like.

The Y had its annual pool maintenance and cleaning so swimming opportunities were limited.  Couple this with some attitude about what I think optimal swim conditions should be and the result is no swimming.  I’m finally working my way back.

Am I the only person out there who has this baseline of sadness, like it’s my factory default setting?  When I picture my mother, her face is always sad. She was the archetypal depressive in my life.  My life is the legacy of her sadness. I know. It’s crazy.  But making it go away ain’t easy.

On the lighter side, my latest obsession is Chinese fountain pens.  Jin Hao is a Chinese pen manufacturer and they are selling their fine products dirt cheap on Amazon and Wish. What bites you in the butt, price-wise, is the ink.  A bottle of Sheaffer Scrip runs $8-9 a bottle. Grant you, a bottle may last forever; it just seems like a lot.

The cool thing about fountain pens is the fun they bring to cursive writing.  It is as if the ideas flow from my brain, down my arm, to my hand, then through my hand to the pen to where the ink puts that idea into words on the paper.  Erotic? Maybe. Sensual? Definitely.  My journal is filling up.

Writing in cursive is very satisfying and, at the same time, daunting for me.  I know I am not alone. I am left-handed. When cursive was introduced into the Third Grade curriculum, it was traumatic, at least to Eight Year Old Me.  Those lessons taught me that I  was different  and that maybe something was wrong with me.  I should have paid more attention to Sandy Koufax, I guess.  My parents, Thank God, never tried to change me to a righty.

When we were kids, the cool item was the cartridge pen.  It was a fountain pen that delivered ink from a plastic cartridge, rather than a refillable ink reservoir. I can imagine, today, a bunch of Third Graders trying to fill ink reservoirs, with spilled ink and ink blots making for a myriad of Rohrschachs all across America.  The cool color was peacock blue.  Every kid had a peacock blue Sheaffer cartridge pen.

Dorothy and I will hit the Y about 1:30. I am looking forward to it. There are some forms the disability people said they didn’t get that I sent them. So I have to re-fax them. Mrs CorC? is working in Williamsburg so dinner is up in the air as to what I fix, if anything. That’s my day.

Flashback To 1979, Formerly Titled Saint-Saens Flashback

21 Thursday Jul 2016

Posted by David in Classical Music, food, memoir, seduction

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Olds F-85, Saint-Saens

The Compact Disc set arrived yesterday. I have always been a fan of the Saint-Saens Piano Concerti from the time I first heard them back in 1979.  However, until I put the first of the discs in the player yesterday afternoon, and heard the french horns open the Concerto #1 with the orchestral response, I didn’t realize how deeply this music had affected me.

You see, it was the background music of an affair, of a romance that morphed into a marriage.    I don’t know the precisely first time I heard them. The pianist on that first recording , on vinyl, of course, was Aldo Ciccolini,  a great interpreter of Saint-Saens.  What I remember was a dinner at her house. There were grilled chicken breasts, and a salad with slivered almonds and mandarin oranges on romaine, tossed with olive oil, lemon juice and parmesan cheese. Rice? Perhaps. Memory goes in and out. But there was wine, dry white wine, that generic “Chablis” that came in a three liter jug. She was very genteel and tastefully decanted that dreadful swill into a lovely decanter with a lovely stopper, etched glass at the base with a solid glass sphere atop it. The dinner and the music were pleasant and cordial. We talked of our pasts. I came with the baggage of a broken marriage, she with a live-in relationship that did not end well. We drank more wine. We were not yet lovers.

To reciprocate her invitation, I invited her to dinner at my apartment. I fixed the quiche Lorraine  I learned to make from The Joy of Cooking.  We had a pleasant dinner, although the news that day featured a plane crash and an execution. We talked some more. Then we made love for the first time. I remember the skirt she wore, a pale blue skirt with flowers on it, in a very light material and it draped beautifully from her full hips. She proudly told me later that she had a “black lady’s ass”. She did.

We went on trips together in her blue 1970 Olds F-85. with a cassette player. The pirated cassettes of the Concerti  went with us. We drove to Highlands, North Carolina to see a friend of hers. A great trip. Sex. Wine. Pot. Music, Saint-Saens.  A few weeks later we drove to Utica, New York where she interviewed for a college teaching position. By then we were deeply in love. I was ready to quit my job and follow her to Utica if she were hired. And again we listened to Saint-Saens in the blue Olds as we explored the countryside of upstate New York, towns like New Hartford  that featured a green town common reminiscent of Norman Rockwell.  We went to Cooperstown to the Baseball Hall of Fame, where we both concurred that one old baseball glove from the 1930’s looks like any other old baseball glove from the 1930’s. We went to the Oneida Community, where John Humphrey Noyes, in 1848, founded the commune that would spawn the flatware manufacturer and Noyes would experiment with a group marriage, what we would consider polyamory today. Plus ca Change… eh?  More Concerti and the  Septet in E Flat, Op. 85, filler on the album, but a perfect gem in its own right.

The music played on  that summer. We discovered we both loved sailing.  One Sunday night, after a day on the water, we made love on her green printed sheets that featured sailboats and wooded islands, evocative of Maine, I guess. That night, I proposed. She accepted. We smoked more marijuana, listened to Paul McCartney sing  Maybe I’m Amazed, made love some more.

Maybe it should have stopped there. Maybe I would have grown up sooner, quit drinking sooner, stopped using sex as if it were another drug sooner,  faced my demons sooner. Maybe there would not have been the penultimate nightmare of divorce, the ultimate nightmare of her untimely and secretive death. Mixed in with all that pain and all that folly was all that love and hedonism and passion. That’s right, our deepest yearnings.

Slow Forward Twenty-Two Years

12 Tuesday Jul 2016

Posted by David in Health Issues, memoir, Sobriety

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

alcoholism, recovery

I remember the evening of 9 July 1994 quite vividly. It was hot, as it tends to be in Virginia in high summer. I had just finished mowing the lawn and was thirsty, hankering for a cold beer. In the fridge was a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon, just waiting for its top to be popped. I did not know it then, but that was the last drink I ever had. My long battle with alcohol ended with that can of PBR.

The next day, a Sunday, was a family visit day at Father Martin’s Ashley, where my then wife was in alcoholism rehabilitation herself. I remember she thanked me for the intervention that put her there.  Our marriage, though, was over, as the next few months played out. Being a drinking buddy was not to be the basis of a lasting relationship.

My then-wife became the ex-wife. We communicated while our son was growing up. We both took an interest in his school activities, like F.I.R.S.T. Robotics.  Then as that link was broken, we stopped communicating.  On 3 November 2015, she died of lung cancer at age 66. (Yes, she was a smoker.)  Had she not concealed her terminal illness from me, I guess her loss might have been easier. She didn’t. As my elder son said later, “There is no closure.”  I can’t think of my drinking days and my early sobriety without thinking of her.

My sobriety continues through job losses, that divorce, my current lasting and loving marriage of fifteen years. I have lost family to death, including my parents and older brother.  I became Catholic, with the attendant marriage annulments as part of that journey.  Now retirement . My sobriety, like my life, has a new beginning with each new day. It is by no means all “puppies, rainbows, and balloons”, but it is a life worth living.  I am truly grateful to be here.

4 July 2016

05 Tuesday Jul 2016

Posted by David in memoir, Sport

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swimming, Toys

My plan was to rise early, have a leisurely morning at home before leaving for the 10:00 Independence Day Mass at St Benedict Church.  The morning was about recovering the sleep I lost the night before as a general and inexplicable anxiety gripped me.  I knew all was well, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Yet body and soul rebel, as  they reject all the cognitive evidence of normalcy and safety. So I slept.

Around 10:00, I call Dorothy and we plan to go to the Y, she to use the machines, and I to swim.  Frequent rain storms command the course and outcome of the day. Most picnics are cancelled or rearranged to indoor events.

My swim restores me, gives me time to collect my thoughts, feel the water on my body, caressing it, if you will. Eros, to me, claims movement as his vassal.

I learn my nephew and his family are in town from Florida. J wraps the Christmas gifts we had been unable to give our two great nephews, aged 8 and 6, due to my recovery from back surgery.  The presents are books and card games, perfect for boring hot summer afternoons in sweltering Florida.The books are Sailor Dog by Margaret Wise Brown, and Robert McCloskey’s One Morning in Maine.  Authors was a card game my siblings and I played as children. I’m hoping these lads enjoy the diversions of our childhood as much as we did.

An early supper and cat-tending set the stage for a nap. Independence Day was filled with a restorative leisure.

Laundry Day, Circa 1958

28 Tuesday Jun 2016

Posted by David in Love and stuff, memoir, seduction

≈ 2 Comments

On the vinyl-covered flossy line,

Stretched between two iron T’s

Painted with silvery aluminum paint,

Are their secrets, of a sort.

Her slips, brassieres and panties, pristine white as a wedding gown.

His button-front cotton drawers,  archaic as a shaving brush,

Hang pegged to the line with wooden pins, by spring-loaded tension.

The wind blows on this sunny day,

Evaporation is magic as shirts and chinos change to cotton boards,

As another metamorphosis, by shiny electric iron, awaits.

Night finds the bed  clothed anew, sheets infused with outdoor smell,

The fragrant aphrodisiac invites repose, compels arousal.

He removes the propriety of pyjamas, as she sheds opacity of nightgown.

And, confident of sleeping children and plaster walls,

With caress and kiss,  pant and cry,

They create, at the very least,

…..another load of laundry

A Memory, Both Painful and Poignant

05 Tuesday Apr 2016

Posted by David in memoir

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Kink

Years ago, one Saturday, my ex-wife’s friend came down from the DC suburbs. They very tearfully talked for a couple of hours. My ex reported the gist of the conversation, about how the friend’s husband was into kink, but she wasn’t.  The handcuffs during sex did not excite her.

I had visited their house  a couple of times. What struck me as odd was the comprehensive and well-maintained collection of Playboy magazines. They were on shelving, sorted by year, in the basement.   The husband was paunchy with skinny arms and a goatee. Really creepy looking, like he was sporting this Dominant Look that didn’t really suit him.

The really weird thing was all this talk about handcuffs and rough sex got my ex totally turned on. She was hot; we went to bed in the middle of the afternoon. She begged me for anal intercourse and I complied. It was a very passionate, unforgettable encounter. And, yes, she did have an orgasm.

I was dumb then. I didn’t really talk with her at length about this whole experience. Was there a need she wanted fulfilled?  I didn’t really see this as an opening to explore her sexuality in a way that would enrich our marriage. I was selfish and fearful of change.  There is no doubt that these are two of the reasons why she became an “ex-wife”.

The years went by. We had been divorced over twenty years when she died of cancer last Fall.  Our incomplete relationship went to the grave, or in this case, the crematorium.  And I deeply regret that incompletion.

Braces, Burgers, Toys

17 Wednesday Feb 2016

Posted by David in memoir

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Cars, food, Surgery, Toys

Anyone who has had a spinal fusion/laminactomy  will know whereof I speak. It has been exactly ninety days since my surgery. I had an office visit today. The X-rays were taken. The surgeon came in the room and together we looked at them.  What we were looking at was whether the titanium screws that hold the fused vertebra in place were holding as the bone grafts continue to grow. They are! As a result, my turtle shell brace, called because it looks like a rig the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles would wear, has been put back in the Torturer’s Closet. Now I have a soft brace, which is a smaller, manageable brace, that fits at about the waist. Black, stretchy, with velcro.

I celebrated my liberation by going to McDonald’s and ordering a Big Mac. One practically needs to take out a mortgage to buy one of these now. Sadly, the pickles, special sauce, lettuce, cheese and two all beef patties (so they claim) just doesn’t taste the same as they used to. Kinda dry. Oh well. Most people experience this disillusionment at age 25. I’m 40 years late. The coffee is good though, as well as some of the meal size salads.

I remember a place before McDonald’s came to town, called The Beacon. It had the same stuff hamburgers, fries, shakes that McDonald’s would be selling. Daddy would take us there after Church on Sunday, so Mom didn’t have to cook. We would sit in Daddy’s 1953 Nash Ambassador Super and eat. My parents didn’t complain about the food then; cheap food was a dream come true for them and we children didn’t know any better.  We liked the experience, because as a prize for buying the swill, they gave away little plastic airplanes in primary colors. With the exception of the toy B-36, the planes were jets, Korean War era  jets, the F-80, the F-94, and the legendary F-86.

We accumulated scads of these things.  They were not to the scale of the green plastic army men we had, but we didn’t care. The army men were not to the same scale as the Tonka  Green “Six-by”Army Truck we had either.  Again, we didn’t care. The idea was to have fun. Are children allowed to have fun anymore?

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