Another Prose Poem

My resolution to sleep late faltered at around 5:45 as J showered and dressed for work. By 6:00 AM, I was wide awake, or thought I was. I had read the obituaries, checked Word Press blogs, and am now watching trains, as the coffee brews and the need to sleep has me looking at the Smart phone screen with one eye as I punch the little letters on the screen and see words appear.

I should, at some time, go to Mass, even as I mourn the collapse of faith about me. Predators and monsters wear chasubles, albs, even miters. The Precious Body feeds broken hearts, no matter who consecrates the Bread.

Auden’s September 1, 1939 reads again in my head, as if for eighty years , we remain in that bar, to mark the end of yet another low, mean decade.

I want that cup of coffee now.

I’m up. I’ve read some emails, WP posts, checked out some photos on Flickr©. I had been sleeping since almost 8:00 PM. Low back pain has its spell on me.

I guess it’s time to pack J’s lunch and see if sleepiness returns.

Later, this morning.

It is 1:46 AM. Her lunch is ready. I am watching a Porky Pig/Daffy Duck cartoon, full of the usual high jinx. I am feeling sleepier, and sadder. I think frustration fuels the sadness, frustration witb the relationship, and the seemingless endless sleep interruptions.

Late sleeping today? Yes.

This was not der Tag, similar to that day of reckoning inagined by the German military planners of 1914. For a few hours, I did fear the collapse of civilization, as we know it. Then I went swimming. On the way to the Y, I prayed ten Hail Mary’s. And I asked for her protection,

Seriously. I did. When I see that the world’s problems are too big for humans to fix, I ask for God’s help and the Blessed Mother’s prayers and protection. That doesn’t let me or any other human off the hook from working like Trojans. But it keeps my intentions clear. Doing God’s will isn’t about what I stand to gain, in the sense of earthly praise and reward. I pretty much wasted and lost whatever credibility I had among humans after my years of drinking. Now I just try to do the right thing by doing whatever small right things I can, as they are presented to me.

And I keep it very small and simple. I try to keep quiet. And not hurt anybody physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. Keeping quiet is challenge enough. Amazing how much serenity can be obtained from one decade of the Rosary. Oh, and a 43 minute swim.

Another day. I am asleep. I awaken alert, seemingly well-rested, only to realize that I have barely slept five hours. After being up for about an hour and a half, I resolve to return to bed. In the slow dreamy twilight between sleep and wakefulness, J informs me that she may have clogged the loo. Oh well. Now I wonder how dire this situation might be, but a couple of good thrusts with the plunger and the situation corrects itself, so to speak.

By now, I am slowly getting more desperate for sleep, while my curiosity as to the day’s events gains even more sway in my consciousness. Curiosity leads to more dismay about the sad state of the world. (Suffice it to say we all can do better). I decide this dysfunctional planet will maintain its pathetic condition while I go back to bed. I will find cartoons on YouTube to drown out unwelcome noise. Perhaps Porky Pig stammering in the background will be the soothing voice I need to hear.

That’s all folks! (Cue zany music)

Well, the boat to Dreamland left without me. J wanted to watch TV together in bed. Sounded good. She picked an I Love Lucy DVD. No problem. I was almost asleep, almost.

Then I woke up to brush my teeth. Wouldn’t ya know it! I can’t get back to sleep, so Popeye is back in service. Olive Oyl, Bluto, Wimpy and Sweet Pea are back too. The brain is working. Hopefully the peppermint tea will relax me and I will feel drowsy again. I will let Popeye & Company do their magic.

When I was recuperating, this was part of the routine. Relaxing the body and mind is as key to my well-being now as it was then.

Christmas is coming. But first is Advent Season, and the beautiful antiphon Creator Alma Siderum is chanted. Christmas is all about hope..

OK, maybe that’s stretching it a mite. But after what seems like months in the fog, I’m feeling better, doing stuff, and sleep is coming more easily.

This election season is over. People whom we should naturally respect for making a commitment to public service, instead act like pigs (choose another loathsome animal if you’re partial to swine). I have not expressed a willingness to kill without remorse since Wednesday morning.

Baseball season is over too. Just no more for a while, OK?

And I went back to The Y. It’s been a good day.

I did just that last night, around 8:15 PM. I woke up once around 10:30, was awake, maybe 45 minutes. Then I went back to bed and slept til around 4:15 AM. That’s right, nearly eight hours, Guess what? I could sleep a little longer. J’s lunch is packed. I think I have another couple of hours to get done.

Sleep deprivation sucks.

I cancelled the dental appointment, lack of sleep. They understand. I wrote the check to ex-wife #2’s church for the gardens and mailed it. The recycling was put out and picked up. I tried sleep with little success.

And now. I can feel my heart in my chest, the way it has always felt when I am sleep deprived. I wish I could make positive posts, write some erotica, pass for happy. Not yet.

I just looked at headlines in my Google newsfeed of stories I simply do not care about, nor will I ever care about. They are Google’s way of affirming my irrelevance as an old white man. I am an anachronism.