It is 2:16 AM. I’m drinking hibiscus tea, diluted with seltzer. I should be sleeping like a regular person. Upstairs Seinfeld is on and my wife can let it lull her to sleep That not how this show works for me.

I could make coffee but the coffee maker parts are in the dishwasher

I have lost weight with Weight Watchers before. And regained it. I also am a diabetic and I need to pay attention to my blood sugar levels.

Beating myself up figuratively about my weight loss failures doesn’t help. Just as finding fault with my eccentric sleep schedule doesn’t help.

What I notice is that I’m avoiding exercise. My AA meeting routine is good but rather inconsistent in finding and sticking to regular meetings.

I think about sex a lot. I fear my wife loves me, but is not in love with me. There’s a difference, a big one.

As I prepare this “laundry list” for self improvement, I fear these goals are just stops on another journey of self-defeating behaviour

Right now I know that I went to bed wide awake, expecting to fall asleep, while my shortcomings were dominating my self-talk.

Seinfeld is not my friend. Adopting my wife’s sleep routine will not serve my needs, even if I could fall asleep with the TV on.

I could write about the elephant in the room of our relationship, sex, but I won’t right now.

I will not turn into an old man, even if it seems inevitable.