Insomnia. My nemesis. I slept about two hours, then woke up to brush and floss. I have been awake since around 0200 (2:00 AM) I did brush, floss and use my fluoride rinse, went back to bed, and, sort of, tried to sleep..

I got dressed, came downstairs, read a story in my Kindle, then started watching for trains on YouTube.

I fantasise about taking a train to New York, moving there, getting a job, or writing a novel while living off food stamps. I hope Holly Golightly is reimagined, still personified by an ageless and immortal Audrey Hepburn, and I fall in love with her in perpetual 1961.

I know. It’s a dream. Movie characters are never real and we can’t jump into the movie frames to experience cinematic reality, as good, or, as bad, as the real thing.

I am getting sleepy. I think I could go to sleep. Maybe sleep til noon or so. J and I could then go to lunch. I could do all the self care things I ought to be doing, like sleeping.

This is premature, but Father’s Day for me, is shaping up to be a reminder of my failed marriages, and that my sons have different mothers It will be a celebration of my being a father, not of having a family.

My current wife doesn’t have to like my sons, but I was hoping she would put up with them for the duration of a meal on Sunday. So it will be my son Chad and I having lunch together. Maybe Robert can be with Chad and me, but I haven’t heard from him.

So I have these two sons who may or may not both be with me on Father’s Day. My wife will not be joining us. It’s almost a Rubik’s Cube of Domestic Arrangement..

I guess it is what it is. I’m a patriarchal fuck-up. And Father’s Day serves as not as a celebration, but as a reminder of my failures.

It is 2:16 AM. I’m drinking hibiscus tea, diluted with seltzer. I should be sleeping like a regular person. Upstairs Seinfeld is on and my wife can let it lull her to sleep That not how this show works for me.

I could make coffee but the coffee maker parts are in the dishwasher

I have lost weight with Weight Watchers before. And regained it. I also am a diabetic and I need to pay attention to my blood sugar levels.

Beating myself up figuratively about my weight loss failures doesn’t help. Just as finding fault with my eccentric sleep schedule doesn’t help.

What I notice is that I’m avoiding exercise. My AA meeting routine is good but rather inconsistent in finding and sticking to regular meetings.

I think about sex a lot. I fear my wife loves me, but is not in love with me. There’s a difference, a big one.

As I prepare this “laundry list” for self improvement, I fear these goals are just stops on another journey of self-defeating behaviour

Right now I know that I went to bed wide awake, expecting to fall asleep, while my shortcomings were dominating my self-talk.

Seinfeld is not my friend. Adopting my wife’s sleep routine will not serve my needs, even if I could fall asleep with the TV on.

I could write about the elephant in the room of our relationship, sex, but I won’t right now.

I will not turn into an old man, even if it seems inevitable.